Thursday, October 31, 2013
Happy Halloween in the Big 12
By Max Olson
Happy Halloween, dear readers. To commemorate this frightful holiday, here’s a look at the Big 12 teams, coaches and players who might have a few things in common with some classic horror movie villains.
With 869 yards, Baylor back Lache Seastrunk leads the Big 12 in rushing.
The villain that just will not die. Deal them a couple body blows -- losing Corey Nelson, Jordan Phillips and Trey Millard -- and they just keep going. Got blown out by Texas and lived another day to light up Texas Tech. Like Myers, too, this Sooners team still has a bit of a faceless identity on both sides of the ball.
While you’re busy dreaming of the always-dreamy Kliff Kingsbury, his red-dressed team will destroy you in your sleep. Makes up for its human vulnerabilities with lots of razors. Got burned in a previous life by its last head coach.
Pretty much a perfect fit here. Highly evolved and truly deadly. Loaded up with blades from head to toe and pumping with yellowish-green acid blood. There’s really no way of preparing for its wrath, and it’ll kill you much faster than the average human villain.
The big fish of the Big 12 is finally playing with some bite after lurking in the water early on. Like most murderous sharks, they’re catching people by surprise and playing like they have nothing to lose.
Richardson isn’t 100-feet tall, but the best lineman in the Big 12 does destroy everything in his path.
Centaur (“The Chronicles of Narnia”): Texas Tech TE Jace Amaro
Wanted to go with Bane here, which is also very complimentary, but alas there is already photographic proof that Amaro is half man, half horse. "Narnia" isn't a horror movie but just go with it, OK?
Dracula (“Dracula”): Kansas State coach Bill Snyder
Though he’s typically revered for being a wizard, it’s not unfair to see a few parallels between the oldest coach in FBS (74) and the undead. He’s not a bloodsucker, but he has admitted to eating only one meal a day, typically at Taco Bell.
Beetlejuice (“Beetlejuice”): West Virginia coach Dana Holgorsen
The bravado and the hair make this a good fit. Have to imagine Beetlejuice’s salesmanship in the model graveyard is a lot like how Hologorsen recruits, right?
Dr. Evil (“Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery”): Texas coach Mack Brown
Not a horror, but both are eccentric masterminds with outgoing, friendly demeanors. Always plotting world domination. Dr. Evil demands $100 billion, and Texas has made that much in Brown’s tenure. Wanted sharks with laser beams at quarterback, ended up with an ill-tempered sea bass.
Well, you know, this is pretty self-explanatory. “Envy,” about a man inventing a magical spray that makes piles of crap disappear, isn’t a horror movie. But it is a horrible movie.
Can you think of any more Big 12 horror villains? Disagree on any? Just furiously angry because you don’t get that we're joking? We welcome your suggestions in the comments below.
And last but certainly not least, it’s time to pay tribute to the art of dressing children up like Big 12 coaches. It’s an annual tradition of which we can all be proud.
The runaway champion of 2013 is Kliff Kingsbury Kid. Brilliant job, son. Way to keep your swag up. You'll learn to keep your V-necks deep as you get older. Only thing missing might be some PB&J sandwiches.