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Thursday, October 31, 2013
Happy Halloween in the Big 12

By Max Olson

Happy Halloween, dear readers. To commemorate this frightful holiday, here’s a look at the Big 12 teams, coaches and players who might have a few things in common with some classic horror movie villains.

Michael Myers (“Halloween”): Oklahoma Sooners

Lache Seastrunk
With 869 yards, Baylor back Lache Seastrunk leads the Big 12 in rushing.
The villain that just will not die. Deal them a couple body blows -- losing Corey Nelson, Jordan Phillips and Trey Millard -- and they just keep going. Got blown out by Texas and lived another day to light up Texas Tech. Like Myers, too, this Sooners team still has a bit of a faceless identity on both sides of the ball.

Freddy Krueger (“A Nightmare on Elm Street”): Texas Tech Red Raiders

While you’re busy dreaming of the always-dreamy Kliff Kingsbury, his red-dressed team will destroy you in your sleep. Makes up for its human vulnerabilities with lots of razors. Got burned in a previous life by its last head coach.

The Alien (“Aliens”): Baylor Bears

Pretty much a perfect fit here. Highly evolved and truly deadly. Loaded up with blades from head to toe and pumping with yellowish-green acid blood. There’s really no way of preparing for its wrath, and it’ll kill you much faster than the average human villain.

Jaws (“Jaws”): Texas Longhorns

The big fish of the Big 12 is finally playing with some bite after lurking in the water early on. Like most murderous sharks, they’re catching people by surprise and playing like they have nothing to lose.

Ghostface (“Scream”): Oklahoma State Cowboys

Who’s behind the mask? J.W. Walsh or Clint Chelf? Despite some identity confusion, this is still a strong, durable bad guy who wields a knife. Not to be underestimated.

Jason Voorhees (“Friday The 13th”): TCU Horned Frogs

Keep the cool masks (helmets) on, Horned Frogs. This season is starting to get ugly.

Zombies (“Dawn of the Dead”): Iowa State Cyclones

Injuries keep piling up for the Cyclones but they’re as motivated and hungry as ever. They might be 1-6, but they’re never dead.

Edward Scissorhands (“Edward Scissorhands”): Baylor RB Lache Seastrunk

This makes too much sense. Both possess fantastic natural weapons, wild hairstyles and, most important, a heart of gold.

Predator (“Predator”): TCU CB Jason Verrett

Dangerous, well-built, awesome dreadlocks. Intercepts and breaks up so many passes that it’s possible he has thermal imaging vision.

Stay Puft Marshmallow Man (“Ghostbusters”): Baylor G Cyril Richardson

Richardson isn’t 100-feet tall, but the best lineman in the Big 12 does destroy everything in his path.

Centaur (“The Chronicles of Narnia”): Texas Tech TE Jace Amaro

Wanted to go with Bane here, which is also very complimentary, but alas there is already photographic proof that Amaro is half man, half horse. "Narnia" isn't a horror movie but just go with it, OK?

Dracula (“Dracula”): Kansas State coach Bill Snyder

Though he’s typically revered for being a wizard, it’s not unfair to see a few parallels between the oldest coach in FBS (74) and the undead. He’s not a bloodsucker, but he has admitted to eating only one meal a day, typically at Taco Bell.

Beetlejuice (“Beetlejuice”): West Virginia coach Dana Holgorsen

The bravado and the hair make this a good fit. Have to imagine Beetlejuice’s salesmanship in the model graveyard is a lot like how Hologorsen recruits, right?

Dr. Evil (“Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery”): Texas coach Mack Brown

Not a horror, but both are eccentric masterminds with outgoing, friendly demeanors. Always plotting world domination. Dr. Evil demands $100 billion, and Texas has made that much in Brown’s tenure. Wanted sharks with laser beams at quarterback, ended up with an ill-tempered sea bass.

Pile Of Crap (“Envy”): Kansas Jayhawks

Well, you know, this is pretty self-explanatory. “Envy,” about a man inventing a magical spray that makes piles of crap disappear, isn’t a horror movie. But it is a horrible movie.

Can you think of any more Big 12 horror villains? Disagree on any? Just furiously angry because you don’t get that we're joking? We welcome your suggestions in the comments below.

And last but certainly not least, it’s time to pay tribute to the art of dressing children up like Big 12 coaches. It’s an annual tradition of which we can all be proud.

The runaway champion of 2013 is Kliff Kingsbury Kid. Brilliant job, son. Way to keep your swag up. You'll learn to keep your V-necks deep as you get older. Only thing missing might be some PB&J sandwiches.

Past champions include Dana Holgorsen Kid, Bill Snyder Baby and who could forget the irresistible Mark Mangino Baby. This is truly becoming an art form, people.