BOURBONNAIS, Ill. -- Everyone could use a little Mike Tice in their lives.
You think those pants make you look fat? Ask Tice.
"You look like 10 pounds of potatoes in a five-pound sack. Take those off."
Not sure about that best man speech? Listen to Tice.
"Don't lead with that Tijuana anecdote. You sound like a moron. What's wrong with you? Your grandma is here."
Unsure if there's an open competition at left tackle for the team you cover? Tice will set you straight.
"I know it rained. Did you not go to the game? You went to the game right? OK, you saw the same thing I saw. I have trouble sleeping at night until I know that our quarterback is protected."
The first two quotes are made up. The last one is all too real.
Tice is Joe Biden with a Long Island accent, a giant-sized Joan Rivers with the practice field his red carpet. You might remember him as the permissive Minnesota Vikings coach who scalped his Super Bowl tickets and always had a pencil behind his ear, but he could be a godsend to a Chicago Bears team unable to find a consistent offensive identity, even with Jay Cutler under center.
For the Bears' offensive players, Tice is a refreshing change, in several ways, from the man he replaced at the offensive coordinator position, Mike Martz. For reporters, Tice is the Last Honest Man in a business where obfuscation with the media is the standard.