Browns' Black Friday shopping list includes a dependable quarterback

With two victories all season and riding a five-game losing streak, the Browns badly need a win. AP Photo/David Richard

A wide receiver, taller than 6-foot-2, who actually will be on the field during games: He should be able to operate in the red zone and actually make catches there. He should be able to run patterns, be available on third down, catch the ball and run after the catch. If he can score an actual touchdown now and then, all the better. However, this purchase must include a money-back guarantee in case of suspension.

A quarterback: Doesn’t have to be name brand, doesn’t have to be gold-plated. A quarterback who is professional, dependable, trustworthy and able to win games. Said player can come from Tiffany’s or Marshall’s. He simply has to be effective and trustworthy -- and able to score more points than the other team on a regular basis.

Wins: Size, color, shape, material and origin of country do not matter. Bland or exciting, boring or interesting, close or one-sided, on green grass or yellow Styrofoam -- none of it matters. A simple win, followed by another and perhaps (gasp) another after that is worth any price.