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Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Gonzo reborn at Five-Star coaches camp

By Eamonn Brennan

E-mail was the public Internet's first "killer app." I think I learned that in college. But it does make sense: E-mail made the Web an interactive, social place, a place where you could be sitting and working and enjoying your day and then instantly, out of the blue, receive something that makes you double over with laughter. Just like that, your day is just a little bit brighter.

Today was one of those days.

Today, that e-mail wasn't intentionally hilarious. But it was hilarious all the same. In a blast to subscribers, the Five-Star Basketball organization advertised its newly appointed closing speaker set for Oct. 2's Five-Star/Naismith Hall of Fame Coaching Clinic. That speaker: former Seton Hall coach Bobby Gonzalez! No, seriously: Bobby Gonzalez.

Yes, Gonzalez will be teaching other coaches at the Naismith Basketball Hall of Fame, and getting paid to do it. You may commence slamming your head against the nearest flat, hard object. And ... go.

Gonzalez's seminar is titled "Individual Player Improvement, 'My Favorite Practice Drills' and Offensive plays in Special Situations." The Five-Star blog says participants will need to "bring a cup of coffee," because if "passion and enthusiasm are component's [sic] for success, then Coach Gonzalez will deliver a can't miss [sic] talk!" Naturally, most Seton Hall fans would disagree with that statement. They would argue, perhaps correctly, that Gonzalez's passion and enthusiasm are precisely what led to his mediocre tenure and ultimately spectacular flame-out at the university.

Also, he got arrested for (allegedly) shoplifting a $1,400 man-purse. So there's that.

But I say roll with the punches: Add an "Accessorizing For Success" portion to Gonzo's seminar, bump up the entry fee an extra $20 or so, and have the coach talk about the importance of a leather satchel when convincing camp directors to let you fill vacant speaking appearances on hallowed basketball ground. Everyone wins! The crowd learns a few things, and Gonzo can finally, legally get that man-bag he's always had his eye on.

Why not? This whole thing is a joke anyway, right? Might as well go with it.