With the news that Notre Dame wide receiver Corey Robinson was elected as the school’s student body president Wednesday, we thought it’d be fun to project Robinson’s budding political career. He takes office in South Bend April 1, alongside vice president Becca Blais. But using advanced imaginary metrics and a comprehensive poll of one or two people who are not experts in any way, we’re projecting that Robinson, son of former NBA star David Robinson, will be elected president of the United States in November 2032.
Soon after, he begins announcing his appointees. Unbelievably, we got our hands on that list, and it’s dominated by 2016 college football stars and coaches. Take a look:
Vice President: Oklahoma QB Baker Mayfield
If Blais is no longer on the Robinson ticket, Mayfield could be the perfect running mate. Can Mayfield settle a vote in the Senate? Will he provide a key electoral advantage in a swing state? Who knows. Can he win an election dance-off? You bet.
Secretary of State: Michigan head coach Jim Harbaugh
The job is the country’s chief diplomat. It’s all about being tough in the right way when it comes to foreign relations. Harbaugh recently proved his diplomatic chops by securing a week of spring practice, in SEC country, in the sovereign nation of Florida. Harbaugh’s tough Twitter talk with the SEC will ready him for debates at the United Nations.
Secretary of Defense: Iowa DB Desmond King
Who should be in charge of the U.S. military? How about one of college football’s top defensive players in 2015, who specializes in tactical air defenses (you know, pick-sixes).
Secretary of Treasury: Phil Knight
In the college football world, there’s really only one kind of primary economic advisor -- the booster. None have been more influential than the Nike founder and Oregon backer. Plus, the fashion around the White House would get a lot flashier with Knight involved.
Attorney General: Washington State head coach Mike Leach
Pirate and Geronimo fascinations aside, the Washington State coach is a 1986 graduate of Pepperdine University School of Law. “Swing your sword” might not be the best legal strategy, but few in the sport can match Leach’s acumen.
Secretary of Energy: Alabama strength and conditioning coach Scott Cochran
The job is all about efficient use of energy resources. Current secretary Ernest Moniz made his name as a nuclear physicist. Cochran is mostly known for going nuclear in the weight room. Cochran will never match Moniz’s famous hair, but Cochran's high-energy tactics have become legendary in Tuscaloosa. And while power cleans and lean protein don’t translate to wind energy or oil and gas reserves, Cochran seems to generate a lot of wattage from his resources.
Secretary of Agriculture: LSU head coach Les Miles
Is knowledge of the finest grass cuisine part of the job description? Maybe it should be.
Secretary of Labor: Stanford RB Christian McCaffrey
Doin’ work ... like running, receiving, special teams, passing game. McCaffrey does it all. Try to punt a piece of workplace legislation on this guy and see what happens.
Secretary of the Interior: LSU RB Leonard Fournette
The job deals with natural parks and geological surveying. Fournette’s job is running through the interior of defenses. Close enough.
Secretary of Education: Clemson head coach Dabo Swinney
“Bring Your Own Guts” sounds like a better educational standard than “No Child Left Behind.” And, Secretary Swinney is the only person who could challenge Vice President Mayfield at the Cabinet Dance Party.