Ben Rogers and Jeff "Skin" Wade, our good friends at ESPN 103.3 FM, have thrown dirt on the Cowboys' season after Sunday's loss to the Vikings. So, please, we ask you to pay your respects as Ben & Skin eulogize the 2010 season for Jerry Jones & Co.
As the choir finishes, we'll welcome Skin to the pulpit ...
I think we all know why we’re here. It’s time to send a member of our family off to the great beyond.
I’ll make this brief, as a tribute to a team whose time on this Earth was brief as well.
Born into this world with high expectations -- the expectations that come when one is born and immediately placed into a billion dollar crib. But you could not meet those expectations, possibly because of your enabling Uncle Wade, who was there to help raise you but he preferred to let you do as you wanted. Shielded from the truth. Shielded from discipline. There was nothing special about you, even the special teams weren’t special.
Your daddy was an excitable man with a passion for the finer things, crazy talk and massive amounts of hope. He was eager to travel and show you off in place of the work it took to raise you right.
So you leapfrogged into death. A death that came before Halloween -- fitting really, as your life was nothing more than an elaborate costume party. A massive gala to honor horror, ghosts and death. And death welcomes your disembodied spirit into its non-comforting weakened arms. Burn in hell, sweet Cowboys. Burn in fiery hell!
We'll give you a second to gather your thoughts, perhaps wipe away your tears. But keep the box of tissues handy. We're not done ...
The 2010 Cowboys lived an amazing life even though it was rather short. They were a great friend back when training camp started when I was certain that they’d win the next three Super Bowls; the kind of friend that stands by you when you’re certain that the Rangers won’t play meaningful baseball beyond late August. They were such a great friend that I was even willing to let Jerry hold me at virtual knifepoint and force me to listen to him speak jibberish about Manny Pacquiao.
I remember when I met the 2010 Cowboys. We were at a party at Kabuki’s loft in DeSoto when KB the Cowboy Homer introduced us. ... I was so happy to hear about how the incredible marketing circus Jerry had planned was going to be a good thing. How it didn’t matter that a bad offensive line wasn’t really addressed other than to cut the starting left tackle. How the solution for a takeaway-free defense was to let a skinny cornerback like Alan Ball stand back in the secondary like a crossing guard without arms, and how Wade Phillips -- fresh off of getting the monkey off his back with a playoff win -- now driving an aircraft carrier-like Ford F150 double dooly with a "Mission Accomplished" bumper sticker was going to be motivated to get out of his coaching hammock and motivate his troops with his soft Hank Hill demeanor.
It was then at that party that we became best friends.
What is it that we remember when we think of the 2010 Cowboys? They always wanted to make people happy, though they never really were capable of being anything better than bloated cheese-eating props robbers, fantasy stars and frauds. Marion Barber is broke down like a 1978 El Camino with one rusty door. Michael Jenkins went from being Deion-like to being Shawn Bradley-like -- because he’s awesome at getting posterized. When I reflect on what was a season of so much promise, I’ll always remember Jason Garrett, for just being so inept in his own special 90-yard Hail Mary dumpoff-to-Tashard Choice kind of way. I’ll always remember full and total systemic failure of epic proportions.
The 2010 Cowboys' death death was sudden. I remember when I heard the news, I simply could not believe it. They were too young. But as it slowly occurred to me, I have realized that the 2010 Cowboys had a good run … in Week 3 against the Texans. Those were the good times. I’m sure everyone here remembers. The 2010 Cowboys will forever live in my heart ... like Defcon 5 heartburn.
The 2010 Cowboys are in heaven now, and we are here at their funeral. This is not the time for us to grieve their death, but rather to celebrate the Week 3 win against the Texans. That’s how Wade would have wanted it. In fact when Wade talks in his special country, back-porch lemonade way, if you can squint hard enough, he almost sounds like an undefeated head coach.
Don’t ever forget the 2010 Cowboys. So at this moment when we are about to lay this miserable season to rest, let’s all think back and remember how the 2010 Cowboys touched our lives.
Goodbye Wade. Goodbye Red Jesus. Goodbye Joe DeCamillis. Goodbye incompetent offensive line. Goodbye Alan Ball. Goodbye Rowdy. Goodbye Carolyn Price.
Goodbye 2010 Dallas Cowboys.