Thursday, May 26, 2011
Stream of consciousness: FC Dallas at Seattle Sounders
By DJ Walker
The encyclopedia says Stream of Consciousness is “a narrative mode that seeks to portray an individual's point of view by giving the written equivalent of the character's thought processes”. In other words, DJ watches games, and writes down whatever comes to mind. Sometimes prescient, sometimes odd, almost always entertaining.
Wow. Raining in Seattle. I did not see that coming.
I also did not anticipate fog in San Francisco, heat in Phoenix, or humidity in Florida.
The fun part of stupidity is that everything is a surprise.
This game is being played on that execrable scourge upon modern civilization, artificial grass. Mercifully, they’ve at least come up with the technology to scrub off the football lines. Why no grass, Seattle? You’ve got the requisite moisture. Oh, I forgot, grass needs sunshine. Sorry.
Sorry for the snarky attitude, Seattle folks. It’s not your fault. I’m a little bummed by how the NBA Playoffs are going for my hometown team, the Oklahoma City Thunder . . .
Ooooh. Never mind. Forget I said anything. Sorry to bring that up. Look on the bright side - Clay Bennett has no interest in Soccer.
But I digress.
Okay, one more snarky comment: What’s the deal with those stupid gray X’s on the back of those hideous green jerseys? I know it’s supposed to be some sort of secret Adidas gimmick to give soccer players superhuman abilities or something. Probably a joint project with the boys over at the Department of Defense, I’m sure. Really though, it’s a soccer jersey, it doesn’t require titanium inlays, structural engineering features and top-secret CIA stealth technology. Sleeves and a number are really the bare minimum required.
Though for FC Dallas purposes, a sponsor logo wouldn’t hurt, would it?
It’s not even the 15th minute and Fredy Montero has already changed shoes. Come on Imelda Marcos, let’s get on with it.
Wow, I’m really going negative here. What is wrong with me?
Oh, I know what it is. Yesterday was the last day of school, and I won’t get to teach middle school for a whole 11 weeks. Clearly I’m compensating for my sadness and disappointment by lashing out at the opposing team in my soccer column.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah . . .
Oh, I slay me.
Where were we?
OH! BREK SHEA! GOLAZO! MAGIC! 1-NILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!
Brek has gone back to the semi-Mohawk hair style, which clearly has a reverse Samson effect on the kid.
Leading the Sounders 1-0 in the first half, AT Seattle? Is that even allowed under League rules? Joe Machnik, call your office.
I was having lunch today with a friend who has followed FC Dallas in the past, but who has been out of the loop for the last couple seasons. He asked me “Have they picked up any good players?” I then gushed awkwardly about Fabian Castillo like a teenage girl describing her first Justin Bieber concert. It’s a good thing I lost my dignity years ago in a tragic barber shop accident, or I would be totally, like, embarrassed.
Ian Rush lookalike Álvaro Fernández just blatantly threw an elbow at Jackson’s face then feigned innocence when he got whistled. I’d make an anti-Uruguayan slur here, but I don’t know any. Besides, Uruguayans seem like a pretty decent people.
Except for this guy, who is a disgrace to all thin-mustached Ian Rush doppelgängers everywhere.
(There’s a sentence you don’t see every day)
Kasey Keller just fell on his butt after making a goal kick. But, because he is Kasey Keller, he still managed to look cool in the process, and send the ball 70 yards
Kasey Keller is to soccer what Chuck Norris is to everything else but soccer.
Unlike Chuck Norris, Kasey Keller’s tears don’t cure cancer, but they do travel back in time and prevent it in many cases.
I don’t want to be impious and say Kasey Keller is a god, but I’m pretty sure he is at least a demiurge.
Halftime. FC Dallas is winning, and haven’t given up a goal in 444 minutes. Nice.
I have the eerie feeling I may have jinxed things by mentioning that statistic. But I included it anyway, because fear is not an emotion I am familiar with; as I’m sure you all know, I like to live on the edge. Why, just the other day I was at the bank, and I saw the drive-thru lane that said “Commercial Transactions Only”, and I drove right up to it, even though my transaction was clearly not commercial.
Yeah, you heard me right. I’m a loose cannon. I’m trouble. I’ll do it again. See if I don’t.
I like the one announcer setup Seattle uses for their broadcasts. Until that glorious day when all we get is crowd noise with nobody talking, one is the correct number of broadcasters for a live sporting event. Maybe two for football. The NBA is going with three announcers for the playoffs, and even with quality talent, that’s just too many people. Though I like the chemistry between Mike van Gundy and Mark Jackson; it’s like listening to two guys on a sofa watching the game with a cooler of beer.
Kevin Hartman is absolutely flawless tonight. If you are a youth soccer coach you would do well to show this game to your team the day you want to discuss goalkeeping and defense. Kevin is out-Kasey-Kellering Kasey Keller.
Nate Jaqua comes in for Fredy Montero. I know it goes against conventional wisdom, but I was more comfortable with Montero on the field. Fredy is a bit off his game, and Jaqua has a sneaky way of scoring big goals. Not as many, or as often, as he used to, but he’s definitely not to be trusted.
I know this is off topic, but I have to mention it: David Beckham missed a league game so he could go to England and play in an exhibition game? There are so many things wrong with this it makes me dizzy. If I was a Galaxy supporter (like, in some bizarre alternate universe caused by a rip in the very fabric of space/time created by Wesley Crusher in a holodeck experiment gone horribly awry) I would be furious not only with Beckham, but with Bruce Arena, Tom Payne, Simon Fuller, Don Garber and (oddly, I admit) Yoko Ono. The whole thing is a joke. Even Allen Iverson is somewhere saying “Man, we’re not talking about a game; we’re talking about a testimonial”. It has a very slimy “Ken-Shamrock-leaves-MMA-to-work-for-Vince-McMahon” kind of feel to it. I hope the playoffs don’t coincide with WrestleMania this year. I’d hate for Beckham to have to make another tough call.
Oh yeah - while I was ranting, FC Dallas held off a furious rally by the Sounders and held on for a 1-0 win. This team is on a roll like a pat of butter. This team is cooking with gas. This team is, dare I say, a juggernaut.
This weekend is the always exciting game against the Dynamo.
This match is sometimes nicknamed “The Texas Derby”.
Some folks refer to it as “The Battle for El Capitan”.
Personally, I prefer to call it “Houston, You Have A Problem”.
See you then.