Well, I seem to have misplaced Tim Gunn's cell number, so you're stuck with me and my untrained assessment of the new Nike NFL uniforms.
Before I get to it, though, I have one bit of commentary on the day itself. To borrow a line from David Spade in "Tommy Boy," the NFL could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman in white gloves. This uniform unveiling has replaced the schedule announcement (you know, where everybody gets all breathlessly fired up even though they've known for months who their team's opponents would be) as the most overhyped offseason non-event. On the day between the NCAA basketball championship and Major League Baseball's Opening Day, the NFL has again found a way to dominate a news cycle. Got to give it credit.
All right. With that out of the way, you want to know about the new uniforms. There isn't much to tell, but here it is, team-by-team, with the help of Nike's website. Click on the links to check out the pictures.
Dallas Cowboys: The key thing to remember is that the big changes aren't necessarily in form, but in function. So the Cowboys' new look is basically the same as their old look, but the jersey works differently. As Nike says, "the new Nike Elite 51 jersey is designed and engineered from the inside out, focusing on creating a system where the baselayer, padding, jersey and pant work in concert. A few of the new innovations include increasing sleeve articulation for better range of motion and integrating new four-way stretch fabrication to provide a streamlined shrink-wrap fit." So in other words, if I plan to wear one, I'd better get going on my ab crunches.
New York Giants: As you would expect, the Giants are making no major changes in the appearance of their uniforms. The teams in our division are traditionalists, by and large, and none more so than the current Super Bowl champs. I do like the gloves, though, that produce the team logos when you interlock them.
Philadelphia Eagles: No changes at all for the Eagles, not even in the fabric. "The Philadelphia Eagles have chosen to stay with their traditional design aesthetic as well as their former uniform fabrication this year." Man, when they were talking about sticking with last year's plan and giving it another chance, they weren't kidding!
Washington Redskins: Like the Cowboys and Eagles, the Redskins are embracing the new Nike technology while maintaining their old look. So Robert Griffin III will wear the Redskins uniform with which he's already familiar, just with something called "Flywire technology," which is designed "to reduce weight and provide a lockdown fit over the pads." Which should help the young man when he gets hit harder than he's ever been hit in his life.
That's all I've got on new uniforms, folks. Enjoy it.