To begin, click this link. We'll wait here...
Yeah, that's a seriously awesome first week of college football, perhaps the greatest opening week... ever?
You've got Alabama vs. USC, UCLA at Texas A&M, Kansas State at Stanford -- heck, even California vs. Hawaii is interesting because it's being played in Sydney, Australia, which means I'm going to get some serious airline miles when my bosses pick up the tab for that trip. Or not.
And, by the way, Oklahoma vs. Houston, Clemson at Auburn, Notre Dame at Texas, Georgia vs. North Carolina, LSU vs. Wisconsin and Missouri at West Virginia offer up some other marquee matchups outside the Pac-12.
By the time we get through Ole Miss vs. Florida State on Monday, Sept. 5, it will be like driving home from the greatest road trip ever -- we will be absolutely enervated, yet joyously sodden with pleasure and memories.
And things to talk about.
Consider this is a public-service column, one that will offer up potential distractions before the longstanding tradition of beginning the college football season on a Friday night in Sydney, where the seasons will be transitioning from winter to spring.
As everyone knows, the Pac-12 starts with quarterbacks, and that conveniently fits into the prevailing offseason narrative: Just three conference teams are absolutely certain behind center.
At the top, UCLA and Washington State fans can debate who's the best, with the Bruins touting Josh Rosen's upside and the Cougs countering with Luke Falk's production and 2015 first-team All-Pac-12 honors.
Washington fans should now argue that it's shameful that Jake Browning, a true freshman starter just like Rosen a year ago, is being overlooked. And Arizona fans can simply talk among themselves about two-year starter Anu Solomon and whether he might losing his job to Brandon Dawkins.
As for everyone else, we have eight QB quandaries that should provide us distractions until well into August. You can debate among friends or you can tweak rivals. The back-and-forth will solve nothing and we're months away from an onslaught of new waves of information to micro-analyze during preseason practices, but it will help string together the minutes.
After quarterbacks, there's coaches. Who's on the hot seat? And who's on the love seat? Stanford fans will simply lean back, blow a smoke ring and gaze at their Cohiba before precisely enunciating -- perhaps with an English accent? -- "David Shaw."
These general insightful discussions/bitter trash talking could take up some weeks, but it's also necessary to be specific. So here are the top topics for fans of each Pac-12 team to cogitate about until the season arrives.
Arizona: The Wildcats' season will swing on defense, so speculating on new coordinator Marcel Yates' super-secret scheme should provide plenty of material. A critique of Rich Rod's "Whip/Nae Nae" also seems relevant.
Arizona State: While the Sun Devils' three-way QB competition is front and center, perhaps the larger issue is how well a secondary rebuilt from last year's struggling unit will stand up behind what should be a fairly salty front seven. With that earnestness finished, send a selfie with the Territorial Cup to your best Arizona buddy.
California: QB Davis Webb's arrival in Berkeley via Texas Tech transfer can be celebrated as a game-changer for the season, not to mention a way to annoy Colorado fans, where Webb originally committed.
Colorado: The annoyance of Webb's change of heart will linger in Boulder, where Colorado can't seem to catch a break in its attempt to make any kind of headway in the league.
Oregon: Everyone knows Ducks fans need no conversation-starters. They are either gloating, wringing their hands over recruiting or three-man rushes, ranting at the media or asserting they're not one of those Oregon fans, who are always gloating, wringing or ranting.
Oregon State: First, remind yourselves of the good times, Beavers! Then make lists of why things can't get any worse, starting with an 0-9 conference record in 2015 making that a numerical fact. Speculate that transfer Darell Garretson renders your QB situation pretty much the equivalent to your friends in Eugene.
Stanford: Hire Wolf Blitzer to moderate the debate between advocates of QBs Keller Chryst and Ryan Burns. Bring in Condoleezza Rice for a seminar on the geopolitics of rebuilding both lines. Tell your friends at Cal that the axe is a great backscratcher.
UCLA: Bruins fans should make "Most Interesting Man in the World" videos featuring Josh Rosen. Or make reverse "Yo Mama!" jokes, such as "Josh Rosen is so great that his sweat is bottled up and then called "Drakkar Noir." That could lead into a discussion of the Bruins' new, label-defying "pro style" offense.
USC: Alabama... discuss.
Washington: Is. This. The. Year?
Washington State: Wait... that's our question! Why is Washington always trying to take our stuff? Two words and a number: Pullman, Nov. 25. OK, let's go to "The Coug."