LeBron James has expressed interest in doing a “Space Jam” sequel, which I think is a wonderful idea. Our own DJ Gallo disagrees, but imagine how delightful it’d be to see LeBron pretending to talk to cartoon characters in front of a green screen, wearing one of those black, skintight CGI suits, looking ridiculous but still trying to maintain his swagger.
Footage of that alone, I think, is worth moving forward with production, so in order to make this vision a reality, I’ve put together a few possible scenes for the new “Space Jam” movie. Feel free to run with ‘em, Hollywood.
INT. LEBRON’S BEACHSIDE MANSION
(BUGS, DAFFY, and all the rest of the LOONEY TUNES carefully tiptoe through LEBRON’s house and find him standing before a giant mirror, alternately tongue-kissing his championship ring and his Olympic medals.)
LEBRON: … yeah, I’m LeBron James. Awesome muscles, yeah …
BUGS: Uh, excuse me, Mr. James?
(Startled, LEBRON spins around and violently throws a gold medal at MARVIN THE MARTIAN, killing him.)
LEBRON: That’s King James to you, and what are you doing in my house?!? Who are you?
BUGS: Easy there, doc. My name is Bugs Bunny, and these are my friends. We were wondering if you might help us win a basketball game against an evil team of super villains called the Monstars.
LEBRON: I already have a basketball team, so no. And what are you supposed to be, some sort of raccoon?
BUGS: Ehh, not quite, I’m a rabbit. But you see, Mr. James —
LEBRON: — It’s KING JAMES!!!
BUGS: Right right right, King James. What I was sayin’ is, if you don’t help us, the Monstars will take away our secret potion that’s allowed us to live decades beyond our normal three- to five-year lifespans.
BUGS: And, uh, then we’ll rapidly age, we’ll kick the bucket, and Lady Gaga will make us into handbags.
LEBRON: Why should I care? I have all the money in the world. I have a voice-activated refrigerator. My lawn’s made of Tempurpedic mattress.
BUGS: Well you see, uh, the thing is —
(LOLA BUNNY steps forward seductively, letting her ear graze ever so slightly against LEBRON’s leg.)
LOLA: LeBron, do you know what YOLO means?
LEBRON: Young Outstanding LeBron Outplays Everyone Always?
LOLA: No, it means you only live once. And this is an opportunity that you’ll never have again. So what do you say?
LEBRON: You’re a sexy raccoon. I wanna take you out to dinner and then never call you back again.
LOLA: Well, you can only do that if you play for our team.
INT. LOONEY TUNES PRACTICE GYM
(LEBRON tries to help the LOONEY TUNES learn some basic fundamentals. He is wearing a crown, an astronaut suit, and a Louis Vuitton fanny pack containing a rare baby pocket rhino that he has named SWAG. He is standing amid his entourage, which includes JUSTIN BIEBER, MARS CURIOSITY ROVER, VIN SCULLY, HALL, 2 CHAINZ, OATES, and SHREDDER FROM NINJA TURTLES.)
LEBRON: Come on, Tunes, show me dem ups!
JUSTIN BIEBER: Yeah yeah, dope!
LEBRON: Sylvester, gimme a 360 windmill jam. Go!
SYLVESTER: Suffering succotash, just how exactly do you expect me to do that? I’m 3 feet tall and Shredder popped all the balls.
SHREDDER: I hate basketballs!
LEBRON: Just do what I do. Watch.
(LEBRON puts on a dazzling slam-dunk clinic, using ELMER FUDD and PORKY PIG as balls. He continues dunking them for 43 minutes, until they’re too swollen to fit through the rim.)
LEBRON: And that’s how you dunk like a pro. Any questions?
CURIOSITY ROVER: Yeah, when are we gonna blow this joint and hit the club? Boop boop beep beep blop boop.
LEBRON: Now you’re speakin’ my language. See ya later, Looney Goons!
(Everyone in the entourage laughs raucously and files out of the gym. VIN SCULLY litters and they all give him a high five.)
INT. LARGE SOLD-OUT STADIUM
(It’s the big game between the LOONEY TUNES and the MONSTARS. The LOONEY TUNES are down 165-4 with three minutes remaining, as LEBRON mistook ANTHONY DAVIS, CHRIS BOSH, GREG ODEN, BRANDAN WRIGHT, and JOAKIM NOAH for his alien opponents and spent the majority of the game dribbling around them in the stands.)
LEBRON: OK, Tunes, we’re down more than a hundred and it’s not looking good. I don’t wanna point fingers, but it’s pretty obvious that Tweety Bird has almost single-handedly gotten us in this hole. But no worries; I’ve got a bottle of my secret stuff, the stuff that helped me win a world championship. It’s called VitaminWater. You guys can’t drink any, because you’re two-dimensional renderings, but I’ll drink it all and hopefully it’ll help us win. Got it? Let’s do this.
BUGS: Yeah, Tunes, all we gotta do is believe in ourselves. We may not be the most talented bunch, but when I look into each of your eyes all I can see is —
LEBRON: — Yo, dude, I already gave a speech. No one wants to listen to you. Why don’t you go to the locker room and give Swag a bath.
(LEBRON takes to the court and amazingly scores 100 points through the power of cartoon physics. Fouled with just three seconds remaining, all he has to do is sink two free throws and the LOONEY TUNES win.)
LEBRON: All right, now I will make these two easy shots and save the day.
(Suddenly JAR JAR BINKS storms onto the court with a wild look of panic in his eyes.)
JAR JAR BINKS: WAIT! LEBRON! DON’T SHOOT!
LEBRON: And just who are you supposed to be?
JAR JAR BINKS: Meesa Jar Jar Binks, sir, and meesa need yer help ta be in da next "Star Wars" sequel or meesa home planet will go boom boom!
LEBRON: But I’m already helping these guys.
JAR JAR BINKS: Pretty please LeBron, sir, you musta help Jar Jar. How much money is da Looney Tunes givin’ to LeBron?
LEBRON: Uh, none?
JAR JAR BINKS: Dis is what we will do then, okee-tay? I give you-sa eight dollars and an Arby’s coupon, den you come and you help us. Okee-tay?
(LEBRON turns apologetically to the LOONEY TUNES.)
LEBRON: Sorry, Tunes, but after much consideration, I’ve decided that I’m taking my talents to … Oprah’s house. She has a pet whale, and we’re gonna fill its blow hole with money so it’ll make it rain all over the swimming pool. Cartoons and space aliens are lame. Peace out.
(LEBRON walks out of the arena and the LOONEY TUNES lose the game. No one learns anything and everything is ruined.)