Everyone makes mistakes. Ric Flair makes them, as well as Nancy Reagan, Blues Traveler, Ochocinco, Paula Deen, the Pope, Ochocinco, Garth Brooks, Abigail Breslin, and Ochocinco. Literally everyone.
But especially baseball players. According to the stat savants at Sports-Reference.com, Major League Baseball players have made nearly 500,000 errors since 1876.
Some lucky klutz is expected to hit the half-million mark within the next 10 days, and hopefully he’ll be awarded with a lifetime supply of Butterfingers. Always up for speculatin’, we here at Playbook have put together our predictions for who’ll make the milestone blooper and how.
• Stephen Strasburg will try to field a routine popup, but having suddenly reached his magic pitch limit for the season, manager Davey Johnson will swing onto the field in an ill-fitting Spider-Man costume to rescue his ace from further injury. Strasburg will fail to make the easy catch.
• The Astros’ infielders will bonk their heads together and fall down after they all sprint heedlessly toward a gentle bunt to the pitcher’s mound. Three runs will score, despite the bases being empty.
• Everyone on the Pirates will dare Andrew McCutchen to chew an entire pouch of Big League Chew at once. To everyone’s surprise HE’LL TOTALLY DO IT. But then he’ll blow a basketball-size bubble that’ll pop and get caught in his braids, making a gooey sort of spider web in front of his eyes, preventing him from seeing a soft dribbler going right between his legs.
• One of the Cubs will do what’s expected of him.
• Aaron Harang and his eternally sleepy eyes will be pitching, and by the fourth inning his eyes will be getting sleepier and sleepier, 'til his eyelids are drooping beneath his nose, and finally, just after delivering a pitch, he’ll fall asleep, causing him to miss a slow grounder to the mound.
• In a game between the Blue Jays and Yankees, the Jays, weary of competing in the AL East, will field every ground ball and then whip it directly at Nick Swisher because it’s cathartic and satisfying for all. Racking up some 15 errors this way, one of them will likely be the 500,000th.
• Adam Dunn, forgetting that at-bats can have outcomes other than home runs or strikeouts, will be standing there, oblivious, when a line drive drills him right in the belly, causing him to puke a gallon of chewed-up buffalo wings all over first-base coach Harold Baines.
• Something will go wrong in the circuits of the Marlins home run sculpture, causing it to scream “MAYDAY! MAYDAY! MUST CAUSE PAIN!” in a robot voice while chucking aluminum flamingos with terrifying force at any warm moving bodies. One of flamingos will strike Justin Ruggiano in the back of the head, rendering him unconscious and causing him to miss a fly ball hit right in his wheelhouse.
• Trying to beat the runner to first, Aroldis Chapman will throw the ball 108 mph at Joey Votto, who will explode into a cloud of sunflower seeds and confetti. The runner will be safe, and Chapman will be charged with an error and assault with a deadly weapon.
Who’s your pick to make the 500,000th error? Let us know in the comments.