A fan's dream lineup of 'NHL 13' features

Ideally, Gary Bettman would feature prominently in the new "NHL 13" video game. Dave Sandford/NHLI via Getty Images

EA Sports' "NHL 13" came out today. I have yet to play it because I have yet to purchase it. I am worried I will go to the game store and Gary Bettman will bar me from entering, intent on ruining my enjoyment of hockey season in every possible way.

Sure, I could easily get past him -- either using my far greater size or by confusing and disorienting him with questions about basic hockey facts -- but I wouldn’t want to create a scene.

If I do ever get my hands on the new game, I hope it includes these features:

Pointless Regular-Season Mode -- Give everything you’ve got during the regular season to earn a No. 1 seed. Or don’t, and barely sneak into the playoffs. It simply doesn’t matter once the postseason starts. Home ice means nothing! It’s all about matchups and who has the hottest goalie. The most realistic NHL game ever!

Ask Brendan Shanahan -- Wondering if you did something wrong during a game? Use the “Ask Brendan Shanahan” feature and the NHL’s senior vice president of player safety and hockey operations will appear in the corner of the screen to give you a very long and boring explanation.

Absurdly long contracts -- Like a player on your team? Now you can sign him to a contract that will keep him there through the end of the century ... just like a real NHL general manager does!

Stanley Cup Career Mode -- Trade a player away from the Philadelphia Flyers and then try to have him win a Stanley Cup on another team. (This is the easiest game mode.)

Celebrity bandwagons -- Inspired by the L.A. Kings’ run to the Cup, now you can chart the success of your team by seeing how many local celebrities are showing up to your game as the season progresses!

Abusing Bettman -- Using the microphone and body movement capture of the Kinect system, the exciting new Abusing Bettman features let you boo the commissioner and make obscene gestures at him just like you’re in a real NHL arena!