1. Replacement refs (Last week: 26)
Rage! Rage as far as the eye can see! The presidency will surely go to whichever candidate is the first to demand that the always-super-awesome regular refs return!
2. Putting the 49ers in the Super Bowl (Last week: 3)
Super Bowl? Pffft. We’re another big regular-season win away from 49ers DYNASTY talk.
3. Jay Cutler being Jay Cutler (Last week: 20)
Getting sacked, throwing interceptions, throwing tantrums, losing, glaring, smirking, issuing forced apologies. This was one of the most Jay Cutler weeks ever.
4. Regular refs (Last week: 27)
No one has gained more popularity by not doing anything since the Kardashians.
5. Clutch Michael Vick (Last week: NR)
The best way to set yourself up to be “clutch” at the end of the game is to put your team in a huge hole at the beginning of the game. Just ask Eli Manning.
6. Danny Amendola’s fantasy stock (Last week: NR)
Dumping Wes Welker to pick him up on waivers is totally not a move you will regret in any way. Good job!
7. Scoring (Last week: NR)
NFL teams combined for 1,556 points through the first two weeks of the season, the most in NFL history. Someone tell the Titans about this “scoring” fad.
8. Tom Brady’s looks (Last week: 30)
Never doubt the existence of God. He/She/It created something as handsome as Tom Brady and then healed his facial wound in one week. Praises be!
9. TV ratings (Last week: 11)
One example: ESPN’s Week 2 "Monday Night Football" game beat 2011’s Week 2 ratings by 28 percent. Those replacement refs sure are turning fans away from the NFL.
10. Golden Tate laying people out (Last week: NR)
Roger Goodell much prefers item No. 7 to this one. However, the block did free up Russell Wilson to get a first down. So wait ... hitting people hard can contribute to scoring? HEAD EXPLODES.
11. Chris Johnson being the worst football player ever (Last week: NR)
He truly is the fastest man in football. His carries end almost the moment they start.
12. Reading about RG3 becoming the new NFL quarterback prototype (Last week: 5)
He played well again but has been overshadowed a bit by Redskins headlines such as “Is Josh Morgan the biggest moron ever?” and “Redskins' entire defense out for the season.”
13. Forgetting that Cam Newton exists (Last week: 6)
Nice win against the Saints. If this guy keeps it up he could be the next RG3!
14. Philip Rivers and the Chargers (Last week: NR)
So they’re a thing again. But don’t forget that Norv Turner is still a thing, too. So maybe it’s best to keep Rivers and the Chargers ranked no higher than the midteens.
15. Oakland’s long-snapping (Last week: 32)
No major issues this week. Against the Dolphins, the Raiders struggled more with everything that happened after the ball was snapped.
16. Buccaneers Fever (Last week: 28)
Their game wasn’t blacked out in Tampa in Week 2! Hooray! Sure, it was because they played in New York, but let’s not pick nits, nitpicker. Surely the stadium will be packed for their next game to see the Bucs drive the line back while the opponent kneels down to finish beating them.
17. "Madden" curse (Last week: 25)
No one avoids it. Each week that passes without Calvin Johnson spontaneously combusting brings the inevitability ever closer.
18. Tim Tebow (Last week: 21 and 29)
He did nothing on the field against the Steelers, but Mark Sanchez did even less. One more bad Sanchez game and the calls for Tebow will explode anew. “We can feel it coming in the air tonight ... Tebow. / We’ve been waiting for this moment for one whole week ... Tebow.”
19. Braylon Edwards over Terrell Owens (Last week: 24)
Edwards dropped a potential game-winner in Week 1 and then had no receptions in Week 2. Wouldn’t Terrell Owens be a better option in Seattle? You know, outside of the possibility that he might try to sabotage Seattle’s rookie quarterback?
19. Putting the Ravens in the Super Bowl (Last week: 4)
Their Super Bowl title didn’t look so inevitable in Philadelphia. But the parade plans and Gatorade dumping will pick up again if the Ravens beat the Patriots this week.
20. Wondering if the Jets have an offense (Last week: 12)
We have an answer to our Week 1 question: The Jets don’t have an offense.
21. Remembering that the Bills are just that bad (Last week: 13)
The Bills looked much less terrible in Week 2. So how bad are the Chiefs? Worse than the Bills. Far worse. Which means we have a whole new level of worse.
22. Jim Harbaugh’s referee-induced rage (Last week: 14)
He was more emotionally balanced this week, probably because he was trying to not crush Jim Schwartz to death. But in Harbaugh’s place, everyone else in the NFL was overcome with referee-induced rage. So that was fun.
23. Putting the Patriots in the Super Bowl (Last week: 17)
No team that has lost to the Arizona Cardinals has made it to a Super Bowl. Is this true? It certainly feels true.
24. Failed touchdown celebrations (Last week: 15)
Jimmy Graham and Tony Gonzalez successfully dunked over the crossbar while Vernon Davis went with a jump shot. Good to see players developing more of an all-around basketball-related celebration game.
25. Brandon Weeden jokes (Last week: 9 and 10)
He played much better, albeit in another loss. Is it still funny a week later to laugh at him getting trapped under a giant flag? Oh, yes. But to still be laughing at him is a bit mean. A bit.
26. Peyton Manning (Last week: 7)
Even for the hyperbolic sports media, going from “He’s as good as ever! The Broncos are Super Bowl contenders” to “How much should the Broncos worry about Peyton’s future?” in seven days seemed a bit on the insane side. But, seriously, though: How much do you think the Broncos should worry about Peyton’s future?
27. Forgetting about Eli Manning (Last week: 8)
Oh, 500 yards? There you are, buddy. Good to see you.
28. Saying Joe Flacco has arrived (Last week: 2)
Joe Flacco would still be awesome if it wasn’t for those meddling refs, right Joe?
29. Aaron Kromer’s coaching stock (Last week: 22)
Oh well. Getting to say you were once an interim interim head coach in the NFL is still a pretty good story to tell at parties.
30. Putting the Cowboys in the Super Bowl (Last week: 16)
Usually they fall apart later in the season. So this is ... different.
31. Kevin Ogletree’s fantasy stock (Last week: 1)
From eight receptions for 144 yards and two touchdowns to one catch for 26 yards. Whoops. Way to blow your waiver position, dummy.
32. Stephen Hill’s fantasy stock (Last week: 18)
From five receptions for 89 yards and two touchdowns to zeroes across the board. Refer back to No. 21 for more details on this developing story.
Dropping out: Andy Reid’s farewell tour, Adrian Peterson injury concerns, public concerns about concussions.