It’s Week 6 NFL power rankings time. Do you remember where everything stood last week in the NFL? If so, why? These are power rankings. It’s a memory- and context-free zone. Get in line or get lost.
1. Andy Reid’s farewell tour (Last week: 7)
The guy Andy Reid moved from offensive line coach to defensive coordinator and gave a vote of confidence to on Monday was fired on Tuesday. Yeah, no reason to question Reid’s judgment.
2. Norv Turner’s inevitable dismissal (Last week: NR)
Some sports media idiot wrote this less than three weeks ago: “Andy Reid and Norv Turner will make it through the season. The perpetual hot-seat sitters are both 3-1. Contract extension time?” How incompetent do you have to be to forget that Reid and Turner will always grab failure from the jaws of success? Andy Reid and Norv Turner incompetent, that’s how incompetent.
3. Putting the Atlanta Falcons in the Super Bowl (Last week: 3)
The Falcons are the only remaining undefeated team in the NFL. This week they have a bye and then it’s the Eagles, Cowboys and Saints. They’ll have to avoid losing a trap game to one of those talentless stinkwads if they want to go 19-0.
4. Scoring (Last week: 5)
NFL teams have combined for 4,233 points so far -- the most through six weeks in NFL history. And just think: San Diego still has 10 more second halves to play.
5. TV ratings (Last week: 2)
Football beat the baseball playoffs in the ratings again. Packers-Texans had an 8.8 rating while baseball had ... let’s just say something closer to Detroit’s ERA against the Yankees.
6. Reading about RG3 becoming the new NFL quarterback prototype (Last week: 21)
Hey there, Robert. Remember how everyone told you last week to stay in the pocket and never ever run again lest your career end the very next moment? Sometimes people say stupid things. Just ignore people. People are the worst.
7. Forgetting Andrew Luck exists (Last week: 20)
Who? Oh, the guy who beat Aaron Rodgers that one time? That feels like ages ago. This Luck will never be RG3.
8. Freaking out about the Cowboys (Last week: 11)
Late touchdown, two-point conversion pass bricks off of Dez Bryant’s hands, missed field goal. So much Cowboys. So much failure. Anyone who refers to such a mistake-prone outfit as “America’s Team” hates America.
9. Packers celebrations (Last week: 19)
Green Bay crushed the Texans and now it has a fairly easy three-game stretch against the Rams, Jaguars and Cardinals, followed by a bye week. That bye is perfect timing. The Packers will need a rest then from expending so much energy on post-play celebrations.
10. The rolling calamity that is the Chiefs (Last week: NR)
Romeo Crennel says there is now an open competition between Matt Cassel and Brady Quinn. Oh my. Third-string quarterback Ricky Stanzi is not in the mix. That has to be disheartening. He should probably find a new profession.
11. Naughty language (Last week: 9)
Peyton Manning mouthed a big one that has “mother” in it -- Hi, Olivia! -- late in the Broncos-Chargers game. You probably didn’t see his mouth because you were staring at the huge red mark on his forehead. It’s Week 7 now, Broncos. You should probably find a helmet that fits your new $96 million quarterback before his cranium explodes.
12. Rams kicking things (Last week: 4)
Jeff Fisher had Greg Zuerlein try a 66-yard field goal. He missed. But that doesn’t change the fact that the Rams are the NFL’s most entertaining team for fans who secretly prefer soccer.
13. Bye weeks (Last week: NR)
Six teams have off this week. Six! That’s three fewer games for us to watch and a whole bunch of fantasy roster holes for us to plug. The bye weeks started way back in Week 4 this year, which is way too early and completely worthless for the teams who get an early bye. “Rest up, gentleman. You deserve it. That portion of the month of September we just played was exhausting. But the season is almost over. Only 13 games to go.”
Why not just have the whole NFL take a week off after the Week 8 games? That way everyone gets a breather at midseason and the bye weeks are fair. Plus, it would remind us fans how sad and empty our lives are without NFL football and the league would get ratings records for the first week of the second half. It makes perfect sense, Roger Goodell. Which is why I know you won’t do it.
14. Chris Johnson being the worst player ever (Last week: 6)
Chris Johnson is the A-Rod of the NFL. Discuss.
15. Despicable fan behavior (Last week: 1)
Nothing really stuck out this week. It was quiet. Suspiciously quiet. What are you people up to?
16. Freaking out about the Jets (Last week: 12)
They beat the Colts. Big deal. Try to name one player on the Colts other than Reggie Wayne and Guy Who Isn’t RG3.
17. Putting the Houston Texans in the Super Bowl (Last week: 8)
Does it seem like a red flag to you if a team gets destroyed at home on national television in what is supposed to be its game to show the nation how good it is? It feels a little red flaggy.
18. Tim Tebow (Last week: 13)
What does this guy have to do to get the starting job? He has a 102.1 quarterback rating and 66.7 percent completion rate. Someone who owns multiple Jets passing records shouldn’t be on the bench.
19. Peyton Manning (Last week: 26)
What a comeback led by Philip Rivers! I mean, Peyton Manning!
20. Jay Cutler being Jay Cutler (Last week: 27)
The Bears are in sole possession of first place. Cutler is coming off of a bye week, meaning he got a week away from all of the teammates and coaches he loathes to the very core of his being. And Philip Rivers got humiliated on national TV. Everything is coming up Cutler.
21. Defense (Last week: 29)
Scoring is through the roof. Every rule favors the offense. Troy Polamalu rarely plays. Ray Lewis is out for the season. (Let’s hope God addressed the linebacker position in recent drafts to build depth.) But it’s not all bad news for defenses. We have a new defensive hero and his name is Dick Sherman of the Seattle Seahawks. (He goes by Richard, but Tom Brady likely shortens his name.)
22. Putting the New York Giants in the Super Bowl (Last week: NR)
Where did this team come from? I guess we have to stop writing teams off after Week 1. Note to self.
23. Putting the 49ers in the Super Bowl (Last week: 14)
Hey, if beating the Giants wasn’t part of getting to the Super Bowl in the NFC, they would totally be there.
24. Putting the Ravens in the Super Bowl (Last week: 18)
Counting them out because their best cover man and their inspirational dance man are out for the season? You’re forgetting about Joe Flacco. He’s so good he’s probably the best defensive player in the NFL, too.
25. “Madden” curse (Last week: 17)
Calvin Johnson is on pace to finish with the most receptions and receiving yards of his career. Get it over with, "Madden." It’s cruel to drag it out like this.
“Maybe the 'Madden' curse forgot about me!”
[Giant sauce-covered thumb comes out of the sky and crushes Calvin Johnson.]
26. Putting the Patriots in the Super Bowl (Last week: 16)
They have the same record as the Bills, Jets and Dolphins. That’s not really known as Super Bowl-caliber company.
27. Random people talking about the NFL (Last week: 31)
Beyonce is doing the Super Bowl halftime show. She is a person loved by random people. Prepare for them trying to talk to you.
28. Saying Joe Flacco is ELITE (Last week: 30)
His team’s defense is decimated and Baltimore is playing high-powered Houston on the road this week. If Flacco can pull out a win, he may secure his ELITENESS. On the other hand: beating Matt Schaub? Eh. Schaub is NOT ELITE.
29. Brandon Weeden jokes (Last week: 25)
He got his first NFL win. In your FACE, jokesters! One problem: the win came on his 29th birthday, which just reminded everyone how old he is and how hopeless the Browns are. Jokes? BACK ON.
30. Regular refs (Last week: 10)
Our love affair is almost over. We’re barely talking at dinner. When we watch TV together we’re both on our laptops. We hate each other’s parents. And we both chipped in and bought ourselves a new dishwasher for our anniversary.
31. Felix Jones’ fantasy stock (Last week: NR)
He’s this week’s must-have waiver-wire pickup. He’ll help you long-term just as much as previous weeks’ must-have waiver wire pickups did: not at all.
32. Roger Goodell (Last week: 24)
A federal judge has ordered Goodell to turn over documents related to the league’s investigation into the Saints’ bounties. Wow. The NFL’s dictator was given an order. But Goodell will likely deny it. And then when the judge asks again, Goodell will deny his appeal. This judge doesn’t understand that Goodell doesn’t respect his lame legal system built on “justice” and “fairness.”
Dropping out: Tom Brady’s looks, Golden Tate laying people out, Alex Green’s fantasy stock, replacement refs, Carolina Panthers