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Hangover: 'Tebowing' could start epidemic

Tim Tebow's move to trademark “Tebowing” was the big Jets topic of the week prior to their big moral victory over the Patriots on Sunday. The trademark would allow Tebow to control the use of the term for hat and T-shirt sales and even “toy guns and pantyhose.”

Although Tebowing might be the most popular and potentially profitable NFL-related term, there are plenty of other terms that players and teams would be wise to trademark.

Eli Manning must file for "elite." Although that was a word used long before he was even born, his filing would hinge on three key arguments: (1) He has two Super Bowl rings. (2) He has become good in fourth quarters. (3) His first name is 60 percent of the word. There’s no arguing that. Plus, if people would have to pay every time they use the word “elite,” we might be able to stop hearing it every time a quarterback completes a pass of more than 5 yards.

Dez Bryant should trademark "dropped pass." Is it a humiliating thing for a wide receiver to trademark? Sure. But he may as well make money off it before Mike Wallace trademarks it.

Golden Tate and Russell Wilson of the Seahawks should file for "interpletion" -- a completion that was actually intercepted. Why shouldn’t they get a win and riches off that play? There’s no reason to limit the impact of a call that bad. It should extend throughout the ages. And maybe they can use some of the money to start a charity for all of the replacement refs who lost their jobs that night.

Tom Brady should seek the trademark for "tuck rule." It’s only fair. He is always discussed when the call comes up. So he would benefit, but we would benefit, too. The trademark filing would require a legal description of the tuck rule, perhaps allowing us to understand what it is for the first time. Right now the definition of “tuck rule” is: (a) a thing people reference when they’re not sure if a quarterback fumbled; (b) something that inevitably comes up from people who hate the Patriots.

The Philadelphia Eagles should make a move for a whole list of terms: "Dream Team," "dynasty" and "hot seat." It’s very unlikely they win the first two, but Andy Reid definitely deserves the latter. And having a mediocre 1-2 record in trademarks feels right for this team.

Jim Harbaugh should put in for "Jim Harbaughing," the act of beating another man and then further humiliating him by crushing his hand in a strong handshake. It could also be exasperated faces made in reaction to referees or Alex Smith.

Aaron Rodgers could try for "Discount Double Check," which is the act of making a fake belt around one’s waist and/or running too many commercials. An example: “I wish the presidential election was today. I am sick of the campaigns Discount Double Checking constantly on my TV.”

Jay Cutler should apply for "being awesome." His application would just be an 8x10 glossy photo of him giving the finger. He wouldn’t win the trademark, but he’d get a good smirk over it.

And Tebow should move ahead with "new Tebowing," the term for inexplicably sitting on the bench behind a bad quarterback, except for occasionally entering the game to run for 4 yards. It’s not as cut and dry as regular Tebowing, but the legal world is almost as confusing as Rex Ryan’s decision-making.


Quote of the Week

“There’s still a little missing. You guys probably think I’m crazy, but it is.” -- Adrian Peterson, after rushing for 153 yards against the Cardinals, on whether he is back to 100 percent from his ACL tear.

Peterson is currently averaging 4.8 yards per carry and is on pace for 1,490 rushing yards -- both would be his best since his second year in the league in 2008, when he ran for 1,760 yards. Amazing.

Baltimore’s Terrell Suggs also looked good in his return from an Achilles tear Sunday.

It couldn’t be any clearer: If you want to get better at sports, if you want your children to be good at sports, rip a major ligament or tendon in half and then get back out on the field as quickly as possible.

“Daddy! No! My knee isn’t supposed to bend that way! Stop! It hurts! It’s excruciating!”

“Be quiet! Do you want to be good at sports or not?”

Stat of the Week

0.3

Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco registered a 0.3 Total QBR rating Sunday, the lowest mark for an NFL quarterback since the stat was invented in 2008. That mark puts him behind a 1.1 that Jake Delhomme registered in 2009, a 0.9 for Kyle Orton in 2010 and a 0.8 and 0.7 put up by Mark Sanchez in 2011 and 2009, respectively.

But remember, as Flacco once said: “I think I’m pretty damn good. I don't need to go out and tell everybody that and show it on every given Sunday.

Exactly. Same as Delhomme, Orton and Sanchez. They never felt the need to show how good they were every week, either. Well said.

Misleading Stat of the Week

17

The Jacksonville Jaguars have not scored on their first drive for 17 straight games. Not a touchdown. Not a field goal. Calling them “drives” seems a bit misleading. Maybe that can be an additional term to trademark -- Jacksonvilling: Depressing all of your fans within the first five minutes of every game.

This Week’s Horrible Fantasy Team That Crushed Your Team

Josh Freeman, QB, Buccaneers: 24-for-42, 420 yards, 3 TDs

LaRod Stephens-Howling, RB, Cardinals: 149 total yards, TD

Doug Martin, RB, Buccaneers: 122 total yards, TD

Cecil Shorts, WR, Jaguars: 4 catches, 79 yards, TD

Jeremy Kerley, WR, Jets: 7 catches, 120 yards

Delanie Walker, TE, 49ers: 1 catch, 12 yards, TD

Photos of the Week

“Wait. Why is there so much open field? I hope I’m not running the wrong way.”

“Sweet ponytail.”

“John, do you have a copy of these? It doesn’t seem like you do.”

“Oh, man. I hope no one is taking pictures right now.”

“I wonder if they’ve ever seen this dance before.”

“I can’t believe I left one of the best college teams in the country for this.”

“I hate America!”

“Fly away now, stardom! Go! Be free!”

“So I says to Goodell: ‘Small-market teams? Screw ‘em!’ Other than you, of course.”

“Ouch. You must work out.”

“If you’re the best, you can get up by yourself.”

“Uh-oh. Is that wind? I better get inside before my hair unwinds.”

“I can’t believe I’m even in the backup prayer circle.”

News Conference Questions Someone Should Have Asked

Ken Whisenhunt: “Do you feel like your team lost some focus and intensity once the dream of 19-0 was ruined?”

Mike Munchak: “Do you think Chris Johnson is back or is it just that it’s impossible to not put up big numbers against the Bills?”

Aaron Kromer: “This is your last news conference. Is there anything you want to say? Tricks you want to do? Karaoke maybe? You’ll never again have a shot at a Coors Light commercial.”

Reader Twitter Question of the Week

RG3 versus KJun? Great question.

Griffin had the potential to be a world-class hurdler and is perhaps the greatest quarterback ever (except for 2011 Cam Newton, of course). Jong-un is the son of the greatest athlete in world history, Kim Jong-il, a man who bowled 300 and shot 38 under par his first time golfing at age 63. Right now, I’d give the edge to Griffin, but Jong-un will eventually pass him. The young dictator is only 29. Give him 30 years. Dictators’ accomplishments seem to get more amazing the older they get.

ELITE Quarterback of the Week

Is Matt Hasselbeck ELITE?

The evidence for him: Hasselbeck has won two in a row as Tennessee’s starter, leading late, game-winning drives in each victory. He has been to a Super Bowl and has thrown for 34,081 yards and 199 touchdowns in his career and you can’t spell MATTERS without MATT.

The evidence against: He has never won a Super Bowl, he infamously threw a game-ending pick-six in a playoff game after announcing that he was going to score, this picture, he started the season as a backup and you can’t spell MATTE -- something that is dull and flat -- without MATT.

Five Things I Think To Think Therefore I Thought I Think

1. Dez Bryant needs to start catching the ball. It’s really hard for everyone to blame Tony Romo for all of Dallas’ problems if Bryant keeps dropping Romo passes that hit him in the hands. Or ... wait a minute. Why is Tony Romo throwing the ball to Dez Bryant when he knows Bryant can’t catch? It’s because Romo is stupid! Ah-ha! We’re saved! Romo is terrible again! As you were, Dez. Crisis averted.

2. John Skelton got sacked seven times against the Vikings, and the Cardinals have allowed 35 sacks in seven games, but none of Skelton’s ribs were detached from his sternum. So that’s progress. Maybe the Cardinals can channel God and use a few of Kevin Kolb’s ribs to create some good offensive linemen.

3. Cam Newton took a few shots at his coaches following Carolina’s loss Sunday: “The past couple of games has been the same script, by the same director. ... It’s kind of getting boring. This taste, this vibe ... I’m not buying it. And I don’t know what it is, but something’s gotta change. Something’s going to have to change real fast.” Ooh! Are we doing Hollywood analogies? Maybe the Panthers should get the director who did this:

Every game ends, but we go on.

The game clock turns and we turn with it.

Game plans disappear.

Super Bowl dreams are over.

But wherever I go, there you are -- my luck, my fate, my fortune.

Carolina being 1-5.

Inevitable.

4. Tom Brady sees your perfume ad, Brad Pitt, and he raises you one multicolored pom-pom hat in mid-October. It’s a fancy boy-off!

5. The final presidential debate is Monday night and is up against Bears-Lions and Game 7 of the NLCS. Here is my analysis for all three events: Whoever comes out aggressive, establishes the tone and plays to their strengths will win. Woo-hoo! Someone just became a sports and political media superstar!

How They Spent Their Bye Week

Atlanta: Pondering deep spiritual questions.

Denver: Living each day to its fullest.

Kansas City: Giving out free career advice.

Miami: Getting in trouble with federal air marshals.

Philadelphia: Taking a step toward seeing a dermatologist.

San Diego: Realizing they were on a bye week.