When the Steelers announced they’d be wearing 1934 throwback uniforms this coming Sunday, we all knew what to expect: tiny leather helmets, Depression-era shoulder pads, cleats that are just dress shoes with human teeth screwed to the bottoms and dull, uninspired jerseys that players can wear to the third shift at the dock after games without upsetting their fiery, old-timey bosses. Everything would be black and white, since according to television footage from the time, no other colors had been invented yet.
But, man, were we wrong. The uniforms look like this:
Pittsburgh Steelers photo
As you’ll notice, they look not quite terrible, but definitely very terrible. If large, muscular athletes were to wear them unironically for millions of viewers to behold, they would indeed be ridiculed.
But maybe the uniforms are just being used in the wrong context. Sure, they’re embarrassing for the football field, but there are definitely some other ways the uniforms could be utilized that are a little more appropriate:
• Babies could wear them, as babies aren’t aware of what is and isn’t humiliating, seeing that they make toilet on themselves.
• Jaundiced? Want to be a bar code for Halloween? Bam.
• Not jaundiced? Want to be the Cheerios mascot for Halloween? Bam.
• You could send them to impoverished kids who don’t have nice clothes so that they could use them as kindling.
• If you’re worried about a funeral being too sad, dress the deceased in the jersey so that everyone can have a lighthearted chuckle.
• Scrawl the words “Never again” on one of the jerseys with your own blood and ship it to Jerry Seinfeld so that he knows there’ll be consequences if he ever pulls another stunt like “Bee Movie.”
• What do you get for the dad who has everything? One of these, if you hate him.
• If you’re out of toilet paper, you could scrawl an urgent note for help on one of the jerseys and toss it out the window, hoping one of your neighbors will come to your rescue.
• They could be used to outfit extras in a “Where’s Waldo?” screen adaptation.
• Put a silhouette of a bird on the chests and sell them at Hollister. Teens are crazy about those chest birds.
• You know how you can’t go to Chili’s without your clothes smelling like sizzling fajitas for the rest of the day? These can be your eating-at-Chili’s clothes.
• Tired of women in hot bikinis always throwing themselves at you and kissing you on the mouth? Here’s your solution.
• Make a fun Internet meme where McKayla Maroney looks at the jerseys, unimpressed, and then projectile vomits for nine consecutive minutes.
• Donate them to the Jaguars so that their fans will have something to loathe other than the players.
• Stuff a piñata with one of the uniforms and send it to your worst enemy.
• I’m sure Michael Jordan thinks they’re fabulous. Give them to him.
• Seduce a zebra. Why not?
What are some other ways the uniforms could be used? Let us know in the comments. The best idea wins a 1934 Steelers throwback jersey, or a sack full of rotting coleslaw. Whichever’s better.