McDonald’s, a hamburger shoppe of considerable global renown, is set to open its largest restaurant ever in London for six weeks during the 2012 Summer Olympics. The structure will be 3,000 square meters (9,842 gallons) in size, giving Mayor McCheese more than ample jurisdiction for hawking his vittles.

This won’t be just any ordinary McDonald’s, though. Our dubious sources across the pond have clued us in to some special promotions the restaurant will be hosting in conjunction with the Games.

• Five interlocking onion rings, served to resemble the Olympic rings, can be substituted for fries.
• McBites will be served wearing scale replicas of the female gymnasts’ unitards.
• Instead of a playground, there will be a Costas Corner, where Bob Costas hosts hard-hitting interviews with random children from a ball pit.
• The Shamrock Shake will become available for one hour every time Ireland wins gold.
• In consideration of all the different units of conversion, the Quarter Pounder will simply be called Beefy McMeatwich.
• Any burger ordered “triathlon style” will include a beef patty, a fish patty and pickles pinned to the side to resemble bicycle wheels.
• North Korean athletes will be afforded the chance to pose for pictures with Kim Jong-Un as he takes frequent refueling breaks between his many athletic conquests.
• Anyone who can finish 20 McNuggets faster than the men’s 200-meter butterfly gold medal time will be awarded with a flight back to America, as it’s the only country that will tolerate such behavior.