There comes a time in every athlete’s career when he realizes that he’s simply too wealthy and powerful to be inconvenienced by walking. At this point, he either feeds his legs through a wood chipper or purchases a Segway.
Though originally invented so that pasty tourist families could enjoy a day of sightseeing without tuckering themselves out before supper at Cheeseburger in Paradise, Segways are now used almost exclusively by athletes, or in some cases, chimpanzees.
So when Arian Foster learned that nearly everyone on his offensive line still used their legs as their primary means of personal conveyance, he immediately rectified the situation.
The Texans running back played the role of Santa on Wednesday and presented each of his offensive linemen with Segways to call their own, liberating them from the plebeian nuisance of coordinating their lower body to achieve forward mobility.
"Guys like Chris Myers and [Duane] Brown and Wade Smith, they're always getting on me about riding my Segway. 'You can't walk? You're too good to walk?'” Foster told the Houston Chronicle. "I was like, 'No, man. I would just rather ride wheels.' I saw a little jealousy in their eyes when they were talking about me, so I figured I'd get all the linemen a gift."
Valued at more than $7,000 each, the Segways are a telling indicator of Foster’s generosity, especially in contrast with other high-profile athletes, considering that Dirk Nowitzki rewarded his teammates with Shake Weights and rotary phones this year.
Though his linemen boast an average weight of 311 pounds and therefore would probably be more appreciative of a Hoveround, it is said that they “screamed with delight” when they received their new toys.
So the bar is set, football players. If your teammates do not scream with delight when you give them their presents, you have failed them.
Lucky for you, I’ve taken the liberty of thinking up some gift ideas for players around the league that will surely evoke the delighted shrieks you covet.
Peyton Manning: A fine barrel-aged bourbon and a robust Maduro cigar.
Eli Manning: A tasty juice box with an easily accessible straw port and a hefty pouch of grape Big League Chew.
Jay Cutler: Horse blinders, so that he doesn’t have to acknowledge you or anyone else unless he for some reason feels like it.
Rob Gronkowski: Memory foam carpeting so that he can spike various household items and/or pets without breaking them (a huge problem at the Gronk residence).
John Skelton: A transfer to the front office. Maybe something in human resources? Dude’s ready to step off the field for a while.
Bill Belichick: A stocking full of battery acid.
Ndamukong Suh: Tickets to “Stomp.”
Adrian Peterson: One of those hats with the stick coming out of the front and the Twinkie dangling at the end, because “fear of getting tackled” is no longer a dependable motivator.
B.J. Raji: One of those hats with the stick coming out of the front and the Twinkie dangling at the end, because that would be deeply satisfying to behold.
Tim Tebow: A chance.
Mark Sanchez: Fewer chances.
Alex Smith: A shirt that says “The Next Colin Kaepernick.”
Got any gift ideas for other NFL players? Or wanna tell us which Yankee Candle you ended up getting for your mom? Let us know in the comments. Thanks, and we appreciate you taking the time to visit our website.