Seven NFL teams are looking for new head coaches as of today. They and their fans all want to bring in coaching geniuses who will lead them to Super Bowl glory.
We couldn't care less. We just want to be entertained.
Here are the hires each team should make, solely based on giving us the most amusement.
Arizona’s offense is a disaster. They need an offensive coach. Luckily there are two offensive-minded coaches nearby in Todd Graham and Rich Rodriguez who will happily jump at most any job that comes along. It’s up to you which one you take, Cardinals. We will laugh along with either one.
Player-coach Ryan Fitzpatrick. Fitzpatrick attended Harvard. How do I know this? Because by law it is mentioned at least 10 times during every Bills game. Anyway, Fitzpatrick’s education means he is wicked smart. What team wouldn’t want a smart guy with football knowledge as its head coach? And we get to be entertained by watching super-smart football genius head coach Ryan Fitzpatrick scream at quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick on the sideline for making incredibly stupid turnovers.
Chicago general manager Phil Emery said Lovie Smith was done in by the failures of the offense. Good thing for the Bears that there is an unemployed offensive genius by the name of Mike Martz just waiting for the phone to ring.
The greatest moment in modern Browns history was when Peyton Hillis made the cover of "Madden." (Sadly, I think this may very well be true.) Why not have the team coached by the video game’s “Ask Madden” feature? “It says we should punt again.”
Or better yet, hire the real John Madden. Why would the Browns be scared away by a 76-year-old coach when they have a 29-year-old rookie quarterback? Age means nothing to them.
Kansas City Chiefs
General manager Scott Pioli, who is amazingly still employed, loves him some ex-Patriots. Matt Cassel, Mike Vrabel, Romeo Crennel. He’s never been able to get enough of them. Pioli, of course, earned the "genius" tag by being employed by the Patriots during the same era that Bill Belichick and Tom Brady were employed by them. Now it’s time to dip back into the New England glory days pool, give the Chiefs a “schematic advantage” and have Kansas head coach Charlie Weis also coach Kansas City. It doesn’t appear that Weis’ Jayhawks team practices, so he’ll be able to be with the Chiefs on every day but Saturday.
Of all the sports radio, Philadelphia sports radio is the most sports radio. There isn’t a caller who doesn’t have every solution to what ails the local team. Now is the time for the Eagles to tap into that vast resource of football knowledge. Each week of the season the Eagles should turn the team over to one lucky sports radio caller and let him try out his surefire solutions. The Lombardis would roll in.
San Diego Chargers
There are seven open jobs. There could be as many as nine if Carolina and Oakland fire their head coaches. The chances that the Chargers will get their first or even second choice are slim. Are they really going to do better than Norv Turner? Possibly not. They need to hire that guy back before Andy Reid scoops him up as his staff’s defensive coordinator.