Things We Know About Rex Ryan
1. Rex Ryan has a tattoo of a scantily clad woman on his right arm.
2. The woman in the tattoo is wearing a green jersey with the number 6 on it.
3. Rex Ryan is married to a woman.
4. Rex Ryan coaches a team that wears green jerseys.
5. Rex Ryan’s team has a player by the name of Mark Sanchez who wears the number 6.
Hypothesis We Can Make:
New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan has a tattoo of his wife on his arm, and she's wearing nothing but the jersey of Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez.
If Our Hypothesis is Correct, Questions We Have:
1. Is this the real reason Tim Tebow wasn’t allowed to start all season? If you have a tattoo of your barely dressed wife on your body in the jersey of a player, you’re probably going to stick with that player a good bit longer than you would otherwise. It’s similar to how a couple will keep listening to “our song” years after it’s popular. Similar, but much weirder and with interceptions and fumbles and losing.
2. What other tattoos does Rex Ryan have? Tony Sparano on his thigh? A Matt Cavanaugh tramp stamp? A brand-new tattoo of Greg McElroy’s face over his heart? Tebow on his butt? Thinking about it is both fascinating and horrifying.
3. Where did Rex Ryan get this tattoo? Was there a New Jersey tattoo parlor that specialized in Mark Sanchez-related tattoos? And how long has this tattoo parlor been out of business?
4. When did Rex Ryan get this tattoo? What performance of Sanchez’s compelled Ryan to say: “You know what? Mark was so awesome today that I need to honor him forever on my flesh?” Mark Sanchez has not had many good games in his career. Which begs the question again: What other tattoos does Ryan have? If he’s so easily impressed into tattooing himself, his body should look like an Ohio State helmet covered in buckeye stickers, only in this case, the stickers would be tattoos of mediocre football players.
5. What was the reaction of Mrs. Ryan when she saw the tattoo? Was she offended that her husband stuck her in a Sanchez jersey? “Really? You couldn’t go with Darrelle Revis? I thought you loved me.” Did the couple get in a huge fight and Ryan stormed off and got a tattoo of his wife in the jersey of the worst player he could imagine to spite her?
6. Did Ryan accidentally go to a New Jersey tattoo parlor that was owned by a Giants fan?
“I just want a sexy tattoo of my wife in a Jets jersey.”
“Oh, I’ll put her in a Jets jersey you’ll never forget.”
7. Will Ryan get the tattoo removed if/when Sanchez is dumped by the Jets? Will that hurt more or less than watching Sanchez play quarterback?
8. Is getting a tattoo of your wife in a Mark Sanchez jersey more or less humiliating than predicting the Jets will win the Super Bowl every year?
9. Does Mrs. Ryan often wear a Mark Sanchez jersey and nothing else? Did she wear a McElroy jersey and nothing else in Week 16? Is she New Jersey's worst-dressed woman? What does Rex Ryan wear around the house? Why did Ryan's tattoo force these thoughts into my head? Can I claw out my brain? Can Rex Ryan be put in prison for making me think these things? Can someone please make it stop? Please?
10. Did Buddy Ryan have a similar tattoo featuring Ron Jaworski or Randall Cunningham? Does Rob Ryan have one of Tony Romo? He does, doesn’t he?
11. Is the only nonhumiliating explanation for this that the tattoo is actually the most unfortunate birthmark in the history of man?
12. Does Mark Sanchez know about this tattoo? If he does, is he flattered or creeped out? He’s creeped out, isn’t he? The sole reason he can’t perform on the field despite having the physical skills to do so is that he can’t get the horrific image of his coach’s tattoo out of his head, isn’t it?
13. Does Mark Sanchez have a tattoo of one of his model girlfriends wearing nothing but a long-sleeved mock turtleneck and a black sleeveless vest?
14. Why is Rex Ryan attracted to a woman wearing the football jersey of his favorite player? What does this say about Ryan? And since most men are attracted to women wearing football jerseys, what does this say about men? Is Rex Ryan just a regular guy? Is he not all that different from you or me? Or is it really weird that he has a tattoo of his naked wife wearing a Mark Sanchez jersey on his arm? It’s really weird, right?
15. Who else knew (before today) that Ryan had such an intimate Sanchez-related tattoo on his arm? If anyone knew, how did they not share this information with the world, because it is absolutely AMAZING?