Hall of Fame forward Scottie Pippen posted an open letter to the Chicago Bulls on Tuesday offering advice on how to carry on despite losing Derrick Rose to injury. At nearly 1,500 words in length, the letter draws from Pippen’s experience in the ’94 playoffs without Michael Jordan, encouraging the current squad to continue playing fearless basketball.
Pippen wasn’t the only former Bulls Hall of Famer to offer advice, though. Our dubious sources were able to obtain an exclusive copy of a letter sent to the team from none other than Dennis Rodman, and we here at Fandom were deeply touched by his inspirational words:
Dear Chicago Bulls,
Greetings. It’s me, Dennis Rodman. I thought you might like some advice on how to bounce back from hardship that isn’t boring.
You see, I was once at the top of the world. I was the best defensive player alive, I was starring in low-budget action flicks with Jean-Claude Van Damme. I was dyeing David Letterman’s hair green on late-night television and giving Eddie Vedder piggyback rides. All the stuff you dream of as a little boy.
But then things changed. Suddenly I was no longer an NBA champion. I was facing various legal consequences for my erratic behavior. And my supermodel wife, Carmen Electra, divorced me. I tried to downplay these realities as bumps in the road, but one day when Macho Man Randy Savage was beating me up in a Porta-Potty at a WCW event, it dawned on me that my life might be in the toilet.
It was time to make some positive changes. I started by rechanneling my passion into my professional wrestling career. Then I went to a wife-carrying contest in Finland. After that, I became the commissioner of the Lingerie Football League. And then I got really into Rascal Flatts. That was after I starred on "Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew" and after I got off probation, I think. I don’t know. It’s all kinda a blur. Google it.
Anyway, point is that you don’t need Derrick Rose to be winners. Just change your definition of what it means to win. Try having fun. Dress Omer Asik in skimpy women’s clothing. Eat some fireworks. Crabwalk to and from the locker room.
And remember: When life hands you lemons, run naked through the streets yelling “I am the lemon fairy!” until TMZ shows up.