In October, we reported that Wrigley Field was the filthiest ballpark in baseball, so devoid of hygiene that it was only a matter of time before cholera swept the concourses and horribly mutated rat people claimed the bleachers as their sordid reproductive lair.
Yet as the rat people have been sharpening their popsicle stick spears in anticipation of their dramatic coup d’etat, the Cubs have been concocting a scheme of their own to save the ballpark from its inevitable collapse into apocalyptic bedlam.
At a recent community meeting, the team presented ambitious plans for a stadium renovation that include a new roof, larger dugouts, upgraded luxury suites, additional concessions, revamped locker rooms, and an improved practice space where the Cubs can learn basic skills like running the bases counterclockwise and not darting away sobbing every time a pitch is thrown a little inside.
The renovation would also include building more restrooms (giving fans even more opportunities to not wash their hands), and a designated community space for movie screenings and a farmers' market, because nothing soothes the agony of defeat quite like locally harvested arugula.
Like many old buildings where nothing worthwhile happens, Wrigley is protected under landmark status, so any changes would require a special blessing from the city.
Of course, with the Cubs seeking as much as $300 million in public funds to bankroll the renovation, the city and its taxpayers probably can’t wait to give it the green light and unzip their coin purses.
“Let us finance your losing ways!” residents can be heard shouting from rooftops.
Then again, a newer, cleaner image might be exactly what this franchise needs to buck its preposterous legacy of woe. It certainly worked for Cubs icon Sammy Sosa, whose hilariously dapper new Pinterest page has done more than atone for any perceived wrongdoings in just the brief few days of its existence.
“Sosa used steroids? Not a chance. Just look at that yellow sweater -- the guy’s an angel!”
The Cubs will reveal a more exhaustive plan to the public Jan. 19. Until then, the rat people are only growing stronger. Soon the time will come when not even the most powerful T-shirt cannons will be able to halt their takeover.
Godspeed, the Cubs. Godspeed.