- DJ Gallo, ESPN.com
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Need a date?
Then head on over to Staples to print up a life-sized, cardboard replica of the man or woman of your dreams.
That’s what Iowa high school senior Rachel Bird did when Tim Tebow didn’t respond to her Twitter request to accompany her to the Kingsley-Pierson High School prom. Thanks to a $19.95 printing special, Rachel got a cheap date that smiled and danced (via a handle affixed to his back). “When I asked him to stand in a corner, he did," she said. "I don't think it even hurt his feelings."
Of course, it didn’t, Rachel. Tebows -- real and cardboard -- have been there before. Being asked to stand in the corner is the high school prom equivalent of losing your job and getting shipped to the Jets. (In this analogy, Rex Ryan is the overweight gym teacher/chaperone who curses too much.)
Maybe this cardboard cutout dating will catch on. Cardboard dates provide most of the benefits you get from a human partner -- someone who will listen to you, someone to take pictures with, someone to hold over your head when it rains -- without the many downsides of dating a real human: annoying emotions, taking too long in the bathroom, eating more than their fair share of the appetizer you ordered at Chili's last Tuesday night (Carol!).
We all need a cardboard Tebow in our lives. Just make sure it's a cardboard likeness and not an inflatable, plastic doll. Not even someone as pure as Tebow can remove the stigma from those things.