July 1: Major League Baseball announces the All-Star voting results. Several Yankees are voted in as starters. After a strong 237-year run, America decides to give up on democracy.
July 2: The Tigers are forced to forfeit a game when their closer committee is unable to come to a resolution on who should attempt that night’s save.
July 3: Famed Chicago bar Wrigley Field announces it will now use its grass and dirt interior portion as a dance floor instead of for baseball games.
July 4: Every home team has a fireworks night, a slight increase over the usual number fireworks nights across MLB.
July 5: Merriam-Webster announces “Natitude” will be added to the dictionary with the following definition: “A word overused by the Washington Nationals and some of their fans to an annoying degree. This word is not nearly as clever as they seem to think it is.”
July 6: It is announced that “Moneyball 2” will be made, recapping Oakland’s remarkable 2012 season. Daniel Day Lewis is cast as Bartolo Colon in what he calls “the acting challenge of my career.”
July 7: An MIT grad student invents a new baseball statistic that perfectly calculates each player’s worth and performance, making the actual playing of baseball games unnecessary.
July 8: In a late-night conference call, MLB players and owners vote to still play the game of baseball on the field despite the new stat.
July 9: The first-place Rays get 198 fans at Show Up and We’ll Give You $10,000 in Cash Night.
July 10: Stuck in the minor leagues, Daisuke Matsuzaka finally decides to start throwing that awesome gyroball of his.
July 11: Despite Clayton Kershaw having a no-hitter through seven innings at Dodger Stadium, most of his Dodgers teammates leave the game early to beat traffic.
July 12: Felix Hernandez gives up just one run in nine innings, but the Mariners lose 1-0 to the Angels. Hernandez’s ERA increases to 0.98 on the season while his win-loss record falls to 0-17.
July 13: The Phillies announce they are releasing Roy Halladay, but they have to wait for his last pitch to reach home plate before finalizing the move, per MLB rules.
July 14: Baseball players head out for All-Star break, but promise to keep in touch and stay friends.
July 15: MLB holds its All-Star Game Home Run Derby featuring all of the players linked to the Florida lab Biogenesis.
July 16: The 84th MLB All-Star Game is scheduled for today for Citi Field, but the National League players refuse to take the field, fearing playing as the home team at Citi Field will cause their bodies to fall apart.
July 17: Derek Jeter returns from the All-Star break with tan lines on his body in the shape of a supermodel.
July 18: After years of alcohol abuse, Bernie Brewer finally agrees to enter rehab.
July 19: A desperate, weeping Brian Cashman calls the cryogenics lab where Ted Williams’ head is frozen to ask if there is any way he could be reanimated.
July 20: The Baseball Hall of Fame induction weekend opens as fans of no one trek to Cooperstown, N.Y., to honor nobody’s contributions to the sport.
July 21: An American hero throws out the first pitch at a baseball game, but he is roundly mocked because he has a weird throwing motion and his pitch bounces before home plate.
July 22: The Jose Canseco-managed Marlins continue their remarkable winning streak with a dramatic ninth inning comeback fueled by back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back home runs from young Gary Sheffield, Bobby Bonilla, Moises Alou, Pudge Rodriguez and Miguel Cabrera.
July 23: Alex Rodriguez returns to action for the Yankees. He goes 0-for-4, but gets five phone numbers from women sitting behind the Yankees dugout.
July 24: With A-Rod’s return, the NY Post hires 30 new editors to help write anti-Rodriguez headlines.
July 25: A streaker runs onto the field at Camden Yards and is crushed by a security guard. The security guard is immediately signed by the Ravens to play linebacker.
July 25: Ryan Braun is photographed injecting a suspicious substance, but he avoids investigation when he points out that the photo was kept in the photographer’s camera for 24 hours before being developed.
July 26: After four consecutive gyroball-fueled perfect games in Triple-A, the Indians call up Matsuzaka.
July 27: Prince Fielder wins over several of his teammates to the vegetarian lifestyle when he shares with them the wonders of a fried cheese platter.
July 28: Cashman asks Bud Selig to reinstate Pete Rose into baseball so the Yankees can sign him.
July 29: Brian Wilson changes his name to Brian Kardashian in his latest desperate plea for attention.
July 30: With the trade deadline approaching, MLB teams just decide to ignore it and instead focus on the August trade deadline that everyone always forgets about.
July 31: Thirty days after giving up on democracy, the United States makes Canseco its first Wise and Benevolent Dictator.