Heroic man-child Bryce Harper might be the most exhilarating athlete in professional sports right now, but like most youngsters he's still got a bit of growing up to do.
Sometimes he’ll cry on the field, causing his mascara to bleed, and when he hits home runs, he sprints around the bases as fast as he can like a dog chasing after a tennis ball. It’s like, slow down, young fella! Home plate will still be there for you, don’t worry.
The little booger could stand to take some cues from his big brother, Bryan. Two years Bryce’s senior, Bryan pitches out of the bullpen for the Hagerstown Suns, a Washington Nationals Class A affiliate. While still pretty young himself, Bryan has a distinct sense of maturity about him, though it’s hard to put a finger on what it is exactly.
Oh, wait, I figured it out. Dude’s got an exquisite mustache.
Seriously, just gawk at that thing for a few minutes. You can’t tell whether he’s gonna throw you a pitch or challenge you to a duel. He’s like a modern-day Wyatt Earp, without all the murder.
And just admire how dense and full-bodied those bristles are. I want to try to feed it a chip or something, or maybe ramp a Hot Wheel off of its ends.
Bryan says it has taken him five months to grow the mustache and he’ll probably keep it around for the whole season.
Assuming the two brothers have similar facial hair capacities, if Bryce gets to work now, he could be sporting a gnarly mouthbrow of his own by the time his team hits the final stretch toward the postseason.
And if he had a mustache like that, it’d be mighty harrowing to see him stepping up to the plate. Pitchers would look at him and think, "That there is one fearsome gentleman." Then they’d offer him a pinch of tobackey and a buffalo nickel in hopes that he didn’t ride off into the night with their wives.
It’s time to grow up, Bryce. Let the 'stache carry you into manhood.