Did you catch Dr. Phil’s interview with Terrell Owens and three of his baby mamas on Tuesday? Of course you didn’t. Here is all the exciting action you missed:
As the intro music plays, Dr. Phil morphs out from a giant Pringles can in a blinding flash of light. Everyone claps vigorously to celebrate the daytime deity that he is. He spends the first five minutes of the show jogging up and down the aisles, letting women touch his mustache to heal their various ailments. Then he invites T.O. to the stage.
T.O.’s bald head is shinier than Dr. Phil’s bald head. I can’t tell whether this is because of moisture or lighting. Dr. Phil confesses that he is a huge fan of T.O. on the field, but that the fandom might not extend to real life. This is because T.O. apparently is a questionable father figure, and the three women on the show don’t speak very highly of him.
They say he rarely visits or calls his children and that he is flaky with child support payments. T.O. argues that his hectic schedule and diminished wealth make it difficult for him to be the father he needs to be.
Dr. Phil, in his infinite wisdom, offers all parties suggestions for how to be better parents. Then he asks T.O. if he’d like to visit his kids backstage, to which T.O. says yes, and then he does. He hugs his kids and asks them if they’d like to go to Magic Mountain. “That sounds like an occasion for good cheer!” they respond. And then everyone is smiling.
Here are things we learn watching Dr. Phil's interview with T.O.:
T.O. has lost somewhere between 80 and 100 million dollars.
T.O. has kissed at least four girls.
“It is what it is” is apparently an acceptable response to the question, “Are these women gold diggers?”
That you can’t get blood out of a turnip.*
That one of his baby mamas gets $5,000 a month and another one gets $20,000, which only makes sense if the latter’s child is partially made of caviar.
T.O. pays something like $50,000 a month in child support.
Here is how people who regularly watch “Dr. Phil” responded on the show’s Facebook page. The consensus is that Dr. Phil took it easy on him because he is famous:
“I think Dr. Phil was pretty easy on TO!!! Money aside, he should have kicked his butt for not spending TIME with his kids!!!”
“They want the man and fame fortunes....”
“WHAT A LOOZER!”
There you have it. What a loozer. A loozer with fame fortunes.
* This is an analogy Dr. Phil uses to put things into perspective, but it really just confuses everyone because he speaks in old-timey catchphrases.