It's the triumphant return of Mr. Manners!

May, 15, 2012
5/15/12
12:51
PM ET
James Harden, Metta World PeaceAP Photo/Sue OgrockiMr. Manners offers sage advice to Metta World Peace on how to handle the James Harden situation.
The spring season is in full bloom. But manners are not seasonal. They should always be in bloom.

It's time for another edition of Mr. Manners!

Dear Mr. Manners,

Mr. Manners
At the end of the regular season, I elbowed an opponent in the head. I didn’t apologize and now we are playing his team in the playoffs. I have said that I won’t shake his hand because I don’t shake substitutes’ hands. I’m not trying to be a jerk. I just think the added intensity and bad blood will give me the extra energy I need for the playoffs. What do you think?

-- M. World Peace (Los Angeles)


Dear Losing Friends in Los Angeles,

I understand your point of view. I usually encourage well-mannered behavior in all things, but playoffs are not the time to be nice and friendly. I imagine the disconnect people have with your attitude is that your name is World Peace. For example, my name is Mr. Manners. So I can’t go around giving people the finger and making wind in elevators. Trust me, I want to do both those things. I yearn to do them. But when I changed my name from Frances Leipheimer to Mr. Manners, I changed my ways (save for the one manners-free weekend I allow myself in Vegas every year).

You must make a similar choice. Let your name guide your behavior. Or consider changing your name to something that suits your personality better, like M. Generally Imbalanced.

-- Mr. Manners

•  •  •
Dear Mr. Manners,

I recently angered Boston Red Sox fans by going golfing the day after I missed a start due to injury. Then in my next start, I didn’t make it through the third inning and I got booed. I explained after the game that we only get 18 off days during the season and that I’m allowed to spend them how I like, but that only angered people more. What’s the deal? Did I do something wrong? I’m just speaking honestly.

-- Josh B. (Boston)


Dear Boston Bogeyer,

People of privilege like us have amazing lives. We get to golf at the best clubs and wear the finest clothing. In my case, ascots and finely tailored suits; in the case of most baseball players, that means rope necklaces and Affliction T-shirts. But living the life of privilege doesn’t mean we should throw it in the faces of those of a lower station.

I don’t summon my servants by yelling out “Servant! Come here!” I ring a bell. Bells sound cheerful. I would encourage you to take similar steps to ingratiate yourself with underlings. Say something about how your top priority is baseball, even if that’s not true. Try to pitch a few good games. Pick lucky fans out of the stands to caddy for you. It might seem tough, but there are only 4½ months left in the season, and then you and your last-place team will get 4½ months off to golf to your heart’s content. Keep your chin up!

-- Mr. Manners

•  •  •
Dear Mr. Manners,

I just broke up with my girlfriend, Lubica Slovak, because I don’t want any distractions for the upcoming Olympics. I am worried this is rude and selfish. What do you think?

-- U. Bolt (Jamaica)


Dear Bolting Bachelor,

Focusing on a goal such as the Olympics is not necessarily selfish. However, lying to someone is wrong. I truly doubt she was that great of a distraction to you and … oh, OK. Never mind. I could see how she would be distracting.

Well, that changes things a little bit. She is more in the wrong than you are. Tell her that if she wants you back, she needs to be less distracting by uglying herself up a bit.

-- Mr. Manners

•  •  •
Dear Mr. Manners,

The Kentucky-Indiana basketball rivalry is coming to an end. Indiana wanted to continue playing the games on campus, while we insisted they be played at large, off-campus arenas. We are getting all the blame here. Who is wrong?

-- John C. (Lexington, Kentucky)


Dear Losing Tradition in Lexington,

Both sides get some blame. You get blame for demanding Indiana get rid of tradition. While Indiana gets blame for thinking anyone at Kentucky cares about tradition. You are a year-to-year outfit. A whole new batch of players comes in each year and then leave forever. Kentucky is like a hostel for backpacking basketball phenoms. Your only tradition is lack of tradition. Indiana was foolish to think otherwise.

-- Mr. Manners

•  •  •
Dear Mr. Manners,

There is a 19-year-old rookie player on one of the teams in our division. I am a pitcher, and the first time I faced him, I drilled him with a pitch on purpose. I later explained that it was because I was trying to continue the tradition of old-school baseball, but a lot of people still criticized me. What do you think?

--Cole H. (Philadelphia)


Dear Cole in Conflict,

I think you made a decision that a lot of people outside of the culture of baseball don’t understand, and that’s OK. I have seen how baseball players are treated. There is a lot of hazing that goes on. For example, look at this baseball player here, here and here.

His teammates clearly forced him to carry around a ridiculous-looking miniature dog everywhere he went, completely emasculating him forever. So it’s no problem for you to throw at an opponent.

-- Mr. Manners

•  •  •
Sup Manners,

Hey, brah. Imma rookie baseball player for the Washington Nationals. #NATITUDE! Some are sayin I’m 2 brash, but I’m just like: Whaaaaat? You crazy, bro?

By the way, this is the first letter I’ve ever written. I heard about them in history class, tho. I thought ink was only for tats. You can put it on paper 2 tho. Crazy.

#NATITUDE

-- Bryce H. (Washington, D.C.)


Dear Brahyce,

Nah, brah. Nah. You're cool, brah.

--Mr. Manners

SPONSORED HEADLINES

Comments

You must be signed in to post a comment

Already have an account?