You can find articles previewing the biggest sporting events of the summer. You can find articles previewing the biggest movies of the summer. But reading both kinds of articles would take far too long. Lucky for you, we've conveniently combined the two.
Summer Olympics (July 27 – Aug. 12)
“The Expendables 2”
This movie stars Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Dolph Lundgren – actors who, like Olympic athletes – we only see every few years. But the similarities don’t stop there. Schwarzenegger has admitted to using steroids in the past, Stallone was busted for HGH and Lundgren played juiced-up Ivan Drago in “Rocky IV.” That’s a performance-enhancing heritage almost as rich as the Olympics. And just like the Olympics, we can bet that “The Expendables 2” will pretty much disappear after about two weeks.
Stanley Cup finals (May 30-June 13)
“Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter”
“Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” attempts to mix proud history with gore and blood, but the Stanley Cup finals were the first to do it. And everyone knows that Gary Bettman bears a strong resemblance to a certain famous vampire.
NBA Finals (June)
“The Dark Knight Rises”
“Dark Knight” is Christopher Nolan’s third installment of Batman. The 2012 NBA Finals would be LeBron’s third trip to the Finals. Dark Knight’s villain is Bane, a violent and murderous psychopath. Although, granted, Bane never went so far as to announce a job decision via an ill-advised, hour-long announcement on national television. So the comparison falls apart a bit there. Still, though, both Bron and LeBane are bald.
NBA draft (June 28)
“Magic Mike” is a movie about male strippers starring Channing Tatum and Matthew McConaughey. A bunch of muscled dudes being objectified for their bodies and having cash thrown at them sounds exactly like the NBA draft.
MLB All-Star Game (July 10)
“The Avengers” and the All-Star Game feature a ton of random superheroes thrown together on a weak premise that somehow works. All-Stars such as Josh Hamilton and Derek Jeter are your Iron Man- and Captain America-type stars, while that guy with the bow and arrow is more like the mandatory Cubs or Royals All-Star representative.
Belmont Stakes (June 9)
The piranha in the movie are small, but they are ferocious. You could say they are like jockeys in fish form.
Summer X-Games (June 28-July 1)
“Rock of Ages”
Doing flips 60 feet in the air on a motorbike is crazy. But not as crazy as Tom Cruise singing in an '80s rock opera.
National Spelling Bee (May 30-31)
“Ice Age: Continental Drift”
U.S. Open (June 14-17), British Open (July 19-22), PGA Championship (Aug. 9-12)
“Ted,” Seth McFarlane’s directorial debut, is about a sometimes temperamental and crude teddy bear. It will probably be disappointing. Golf’s majors are about a sometimes temperamental and crude Tiger. He will probably be disappointing.
College World Series (June 15-26)
Tim Burton and Johnny Depp are inseparable. Like Omaha and the College World Series. I guess that makes Helena Bonham Carter the aluminum bat. Kind of shrill and annoying, but always there.
Wimbledon (June 25-July 8)
“Snow White and the Huntsman”
I am completely confused by this movie’s trailer. But what I can tell is that there is a female, a male, a queen and a lot of white. That’s the basic elements of Wimbledon right there.
Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest (July 4)
The hot dog eating contest is all about celebrating excess. By the way, you might be interested to know that the “Total Recall” remake does reportedly include a woman with three breasts.
Hall of Fame induction ceremonies (baseball: July 22; football: Aug. 4)
“Men in Black III”
In “Men in Black III,” a well-known character takes the audience on an entertaining trip back in time. The HOF inductees should use this as the premise for their speeches.
NFL training camps open (July 27)
Why do camps start opening on July 27? Because Roger Goodell said so, that’s why.
College football fall practice begins (August)
“Brave,” the latest Pixar film, features a female hero trying to make it in a man’s world. Similarly, former LSU soccer star Mo Isom will attempt to make the Tigers’ football team again this August as a kicker. Oh, check this out -- Pixar completely nailed SEC fans.
Little League World Series (Aug. 16-26)
“That’s My Boy”
The Little League World Series and “That’s My Boy” are both the stories of fathers and sons. Also, Little League baseball is made for 10- to 12-year-old boys, same as Adam Sandler movies.
Tour de France (June 30-July 22)
“Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Witness Protection”
First thought at seeing this movie is coming out: “Oh. They’re still doing those?”
First thought at seeing the Tour de France schedule: “Oh. They’re still doing that?”
Euro 2012 (June 8-July 1)
This is the plot summary for “Prometheus”: “A team of explorers discover a clue to the origins of mankind on Earth, leading them on a journey to the darkest corners of the universe. There, they must fight a terrifying battle to save the future of the human race.”
A “battle to save the future of the human race,” eh? That sounds serious. Not as serious as soccer fans take the Euro Cup. But pretty serious nonetheless.