A heat wave has swept across much of the United States. If you are still planning to venture outside to take in a sporting event in these conditions, you will need to take precautions in order to stay cool.
1. Wear breathable clothing – Under Armour is nice. But there’s something better and, just like with steroids, Jose Canseco was on the cutting edge with this: mesh shirts. Practical and stylish.
2. Wear a headband – Headbands prevent sweat from running into your eyes. Also, if you wear a huge LeBron-style headband, you can cover up your bald spots and prevent a nasty sunburn on your scalp
3. Stay hydrated – Nationals pitcher Stephen Strasburg had to leave his start on Saturday after just three innings due to dehydration. The Red Sox drinking in the clubhouse doesn’t look so foolish now, does it?
4. Wear eye black – Eye black keeps the sun out of your eyes. You may also want to write a verse on your eye black – preferably one asking God for mercy, that you may be saved from all the sweaty people around you with body odor.
5. Hurt yourself – Take a foul ball off the head or fall down some steep steps. Your pain will be rewarded with an ice pack from stadium medical services. Also consider an open wound or compound fracture to allow internal heat to escape your body.
6. Be rich – Luxury boxes are air conditioned. You would know this if you worked a little harder.
7. Get naked and run around on the field – Long a favorite of drunken fans. Nothing cools a person down like a nice breeze through the unmentionables.