How are you doing? You been good? You look great. You look like you’ve been keeping yourselves in shape. Keeping it all tight. Good for you.
I hope this is OK and that it doesn’t sound weird or anything, but we’ve been checking you out a little bit lately. Watching the Olympic trials, seeing you on “SportsCenter.” You’re doing really well. We’re happy for you.
Yeah, well … we wanted to run something past you. What would you think if … well, what would you think if we got back together?
Whoa, OK. OK. We know. You don’t need to get upset, OK? We know we dumped you four years ago, right after the Olympics ended. That’s true. But what if we made a mistake? We’re coming to you saying that we made a mistake. We love you. There we said it: We love you.
Really? I really doubt we told you the same exact thing, word for word, four years ago before the last Olympics? Word for word? Really? Wow. OK. That doesn’t matter. What matters is that we keep getting back together all the time. Don’t you think that means something? It does. It means that we’re meant to be together.
Four years off, two amazing weeks on. Four years off, two weeks on. This time it can last. It can. We’re ready for commitment. We’re ready to be with you forever, Olympians -- in non-Olympic years and Olympic years.
We love the way you hurdle. We love the way you swim, the way you dive. We love how you wrestle and play basketball and throw javelin and … put shot or whatever. We love your running and boxing and sailing and shooting of arrows. We’re not big fans of the horse stuff -- equestrian or whatever it’s called -- but we’ll still watch it if it’s late at night and that’s all that is on or even if you just want us to. Because we love you, Olympians.
We do. We love you. For real this time. What else do we have to say for you to take us back?
Look, in our defense, it’s not like you were really easy to be with after the last Olympics. You weren’t present. You did a few talk shows -- Letterman, Leno, Regis and Kelly -- but other than that, you weren’t on TV anymore. We couldn’t find you. Some random competitions every month or so on a far-flung cable network weren't enough for us. We needed more if we were ever really going to work long-term.
But maybe this time will be different. It will be easier to be with you than it was four years ago. Technology will make it easier, right? There’s got to be some sort of track and field or swimming apps or something, right? Some way to still follow you when the Olympics are over and you’re competing in less prestigious events around the world? And maybe this time you won’t let yourself get so easily embraced by Europeans. We know that they like you even in non-Olympic years. That doesn’t mean they’re right for you. You’re still our Olympians.
We can let the long-term stuff work itself out later, though. For now we just want to get back together, Olympians. What do you say?
We want to be able to talk about you with friends at work and make it sound like we’re really serious. We want people to believe that we are experts on Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte. We want to text people about Allyson Felix and Lolo Jones and not make it sound like we just heard of them a week or so ago.
For any of this to work, though, we need you on board 100 percent. We need to know that you’re just as committed to starting fresh as we are. When you’re interviewed during the Olympics, you need to say that you’re doing it for your country and that you really appreciate the fan support. You need to say all of that completely sincerely, without any indication that you’re thinking: “Where was all of this support the last four years? It’s like I was forgotten until now.” Because if you feel that way even a little bit, it will drive a wedge in between us, and our relationship will be doomed again.
So what do you say? Will you be with us again? Yes! You will?! Oh, you have made us the happiest sports fans ever. Thank you. Thank you so much. You won’t regret this. We’re so happy. We’ve been dating baseball for the past few weeks and it’s gotten boring pretty fast. What we really want is you. You are our true love.
Just hold on one minute. We have a call. We have to take this.
Who was that? Oh, it was no one, really. Well, that’s not true. It was football. Yeah, we kind of have a long-term thing with football. It’s going to be back right after the Olympics are over and wanted to see if we wanted to get together. But don’t worry. We said no. We said that we are with you now and that we’re committed to making this work. No dumping you right after the Olympics again for football. Not this time. We want to watch you sprint and row and hurl discuses forever. We mean it.
We love you,
American Sports Fans
P.S. -- The night of the closing ceremonies, we have our fantasy football draft. We hope that’s OK.