News Item: Five seasons after his last game, four years after telling "60 Minutes" that if he took steroids he would have "a third ear coming out of my forehead and be pulling tractors with my teeth," two months after being acquitted of lying to Congress, two weeks after his 50th birthday and four months before he goes on a Hall of Fame ballot, Roger Clemens signed with the Sugar Land Skeeters of the independent Atlantic League.

The oldest pitcher in pro baseball, Clemens is scheduled to start Saturday night. So …

"The Expendables 3: The Un-Naturals''

SCENE 1:

We see the Sugar Land Skeeters team bus as it hurtles down an expressway pursued by three black SUVs with gunmen firing AK-47s. Bullets shatter the bus' rear window and ricochet off the bumper.

The Skeeters bus approaches a police blockade, with officers crouched behind their vehicles, guns drawn. The bus driver briefly considers braking before pushing down on the accelerator. The bus smashes through the blockade, sending police cars spinning and exploding.

The bus comes to an opening drawbridge. The driver again floors it. We see the bus fly over the yawning gap in slow motion, then land on the other side. It smashes through a gate and into a parking lot, where it flips over several times before exploding into a fireball.

The Skeeters pull themselves from the wreckage without a scratch and pick up their equipment bags. As they walk toward the clubhouse, we see that among the various minor leaguers are "The Hall of Fame Expendables": ROGER CLEMENS, BARRY BONDS, MARK McGWIRE, RAFAEL PALMEIRO, SAMMY SOSA, JOSE CANSECO, MANNY RAMIREZ and PETE ROSE.

CLEMENS turns to ROSE.

CLEMENS: For the last time, Pete -- no more betting on baseball! Remember, we're trying to get into the Hall of Fame. At the very least, pay your bookie. That's the third bus we've lost this week.

" Click here to read Jim Caple's Off Base column in its entirety