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Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Power Rankings: Naughty words stay put

By DJ Gallo

Week 4 of the NFL season is in the books and everything has completely changed. Well, some things, at least. Here are your updated Playbook NFL power rankings.

1. Scoring (Last week: 6)

Scoring is on pace to crush the all-time record. Just think how high the per-game scoring average would have been this season if the New York Jets didn’t exist. Amazing.

2. TV ratings (Last week: 2)

More NFL TV ratings records: Americans continue to show their outrage over officiating and concussions by shaking their fists at their TV screens Thursday, Sunday and Monday. Take that, NFL!

3. Regular refs (Last week: 1)

The games were faster and smoother in Week 4. But did the regular refs seem infallible to you guys? I don’t know. There seemed to be some definite fallibility going on. That’s worth a drop in the power rankings. We all may have to consider booing these guys soon. Probably this week.

4. Naughty language (Last week: 4)

The Packers filled Twitter with PG-13 and above language following their loss to the Seahawks in Week 4. In Week 5, it was Matt Ryan and Tom Brady yelling profanities on the sidelines. When talking about headgear in the NFL, let’s not forget the fans’ need for earmuffs.

5. Putting the Atlanta Falcons in the Super Bowl (Last week: 7)

Can anyone stop them? I can’t think of a better team right now.

6. Putting the Houston Texans in the Super Bowl (Last week: NR)

Can anyone stop them? I can’t think of a better team right now.

7. Freaking out about the Jets

Has any team ever been more of a disaster? I can’t think of one.

8. Freaking out about the Cowboys

Has any team ever been more of a disaster? I can’t think of one.

9. Forgetting Andrew Luck exists (Last week: 11)

Who is this person? I did some research and it turns out he’s the quarterback of a team called the Indianapolis Colts. This team didn’t play in Week 4. Maybe they had a bye; maybe the NFL just forgot to put them on the schedule.

10. Golden Tate laying people out (Last week: 3)

He didn’t crush anyone or throw any defensive players to the ground before “catching” a touchdown this week. Suspicious. That means he may just be hiding out, preparing to strike again in Week 5.

11. Andy Reid’s farewell tour (Last week: 10)

The Eagles won. But they could have lost because of Reid’s kicker icing. By the way, have you ever tried to get kicker icing out of a mustache? It’s not easy.

12. Putting the Ravens in the Super Bowl (Last week: 12)

I haven’t seen a better NFL team since we got through numbers 5 and 6.

13. Chris Johnson being the worst player ever (Last week: 8)

He had 141 yards rushing! So now he’s on pace for … 744 yards and zero touchdowns for the season! In your face, haters.

14. Tim Tebow (Last week: 17)

If he can’t start over Mark Sanchez, he can’t start over anyone. He may as well just give up football and try to find some constitutional loophole that will allow him to get on the presidential ballot.

15. Random people talking about the NFL (Last week: 5)

The end of the referee lockout saved us from hearing NFL talk on NPR or the “Today” show again. Can’t wait to talk football with you again before the Super Bowl, random people.

16. Tom Brady’s looks (Last week: 15)

Tom Brady’s face was upstaged by Brandon Lloyd’s face this week. We can expect a fab new hairdo any day now.

17. Reading about RG3 becoming the new NFL quarterback prototype (Last week: 18)

Let’s hope this guy doesn’t plan to play more than a season or two, because there’s not much more than can really be written about him.

18. Putting the 49ers in the Super Bowl (Last week: 20)

Is there a better team in football in this sentence than the 49ers right now? I don’t think so.

19. “Madden” curse (Last week: 16)

Calvin Johnson was knocked out of Detroit’s game. But he returned. Hmm. Perhaps this year’s curse isn’t injury-related, it’s just having to play for the Lions of yore.

20. Jim Harbaugh’s referee-induced rage (Last week: 9)

The 49ers played the Jets this week. It’s hard to do anything but smile when you get to play the Jets.

21. Saying Joe Flacco is ELITE (Last week: 21)

He looked average against the Browns. It’s probably because truly ELITE players bother to play really well only against the best teams. Yeah, that’s it.

22. Putting the Patriots in the Super Bowl (Last week: 23)

It’s tough to be too impressed by a victory over the Bills. They’re like the Jets of upstate New York.

23. Brian Hartline’s fantasy stock (Last week: NR)

Should you pick up a Dolphins wide receiver? The Dolphins have wide receivers? So many questions.

24. Danny Amendola’s fantasy stock (Last week: 24)

He returned to semi-fantasy relevance in Week 4 with 55 yards and a touchdown. You should win your fantasy league if you can determine the specific three weeks in the remainder of the season in which Amendola and Chris Johnson will put up good numbers.

25. Peyton Manning (Last week: 26)

He looked very good again. But it all means nothing if he is unable to beat Tom Brady this week. Brady vs. Manning is pretty much the whole point of the NFL.

26. Clutch Michael Vick (Last week: 29)

Lawrence Tynes missed a game-ending field goal, which means Michael Vick is more clutch than Eli Manning. Simple logic.

27. Jay Cutler being Jay Cutler (Last week: 19)

He played well in a blowout win on national TV and was sacked only twice. The week would have been a total loss for his image if not for his clutch sideline tiff with Mike Tice. Way to stay Jay, Jay.

28. Roger Goodell (Last week: 31)

The entire nation isn't ripping the NFL and calling for his head this week. And the Saints are 0-4. Perhaps the best week in Roger Goodell's history.

29. Replacement refs (Last week: 30)

Absence made us like the regular refs. Soon these guys will be cool again, too.

30. Brandon Weeden jokes (Last week: 25)

How old is Brandon Weeden? He’s so old that he has trouble remembering all of the old jokes about him -- you know, because many old people have bad memories and everything. (Hey, they can’t all be good. No one expected him to start this long. The good old jokes were used weeks ago.)

31. Putting the Cardinals in the Super Bowl (Last week: NR)

They’re 4-0. I’d say “Take that, haters,” but I don’t think anyone has ever bothered to hate on the Arizona Cardinals. Seems mean.

32. Defense (Last week: NR)

Hey, nice tackle, no one in the NFL.

*Dropping out: Oakland’s long-snapping; gambling on the NFL; Buccaneers fever; the Shield; forgetting about Eli Manning; forgetting Cam Newton exists