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Friday, October 19, 2012
Babe Ruth to be part of A-Rod trade

By DJ Gallo

Just when you think the Yankees annual playoff exit and A-Rod drama-thon couldn’t possibly get worse, another year comes along.

It’s so bad now that there are rumors the Yankees will get rid of Rodriguez. The specific fantasy is that the Marlins will be happy to take a declining 37 year-old third baseman with five years and $114 million left on his contract. Sure, it sounds like a sweet deal for Miami, but it will take some negotiation on the details.

[phone rings in the office of Miami Marlins general manager Michael Hill]

“Hello, this is Michael Hill.”

“Hey, Michael. It’s Brian Cashman. How are you?”

Hill: “Oh, man. It’s great to hear your voice.”

Cashman: “Great! So you’ve heard the A-Rod noise and are interested in bringing him to Miami?”

Hill: “Ha! No. No. Not at all. It’s just that sometimes I get depressed being the general manager of a franchise in such bad shape as this one. So it brightens my mood to hear from someone who has it worse off. Puts my job in perspective, you know?”

Cashman: “Oh.”

Hill: “And Ben Cherington has stopped taking my calls.”

Cashman: “I see.”

Hill: “What can I do for you?”

Cashman: “I was hoping you would take Alex Rodriguez.”

Hill: “Hold on, Brian. I have to ask my secretary something.”

Cashman: “Sure, Michael. No problem.”

Hill: [Off line: “Linda! Yeah, I have a question for you. What year is it? It is? Okay. Thanks, Linda.”] “Brian, you still there?”

Cashman: “Yep.”

Hill: “My secretary says it’s 2012. You should have called five years ago.”

Cashman: “Look, I’m not going to deny that Alex has declined a little. But I’m sure he would do great with a change of scenery.”

Hill: “Like the bench? Or would the field be new scenery for him now?”

Cashman: “I feel like you’re not giving this reasonable consideration. Alex is one of the best to ever do it. Those are Kobe Bryant’s words, not mine.”

Hill: “Would Babe Ruth’s corpse be included in the deal?”

Cashman: “What? Why?”

Hill: “Because he was also one of the best to ever do it and is equally productive.”

Cashman: “Well, that’s just mean.”

Hill: “Babe Ruth’s corpse also wouldn’t cost me $114 million.”

Cashman: “I’m not proposing you pick up his entire contract. We’d eat part of it.”

Hill: “How much?”

Cashman: “How does 50 percent sound?”

Hill: “So you want me to pay more than $11 million a year for an old player who is way past is prime?”

Cashman: “That’s a huge bargain! I have a team full of old players way past their primes making much more than $11 million.”

Hill: “Touche.”

Cashman: “So do we have a deal?”

Hill: “No.”

Cashman: “What else can I do? Take on more of the contract?”

Hill: “Sure, that’s a start. But you also have to take some of our garbage.”

Cashman: “OK. Hit me.”

Hill: “The home-run sculpture. You have to get it out of here and put it in Yankee Stadium.”

Cashman: “I don’t know.”

Hill: “Come on. It will give you something to make the new Yankee Stadium different from the old one -- other than all the empty seats and the lack of urine smell.”

Cashman: “That’s a good point. So we have a deal? A-Rod for the home run sculpture and we pay 60 percent of his contract?”

Hill: “Still no. One more thing. You have to take Ozzie Guillen.”

Cashman: “Oh, wow. I don’t know.”

Hill: “You have to or there’s no deal. Think about it. He’ll be huge in New York! If you’re going to be as bad as the Jets, you need a coach who will keep you in the news like the Jets. Ozzie is baseball Rex Ryan! Plus, New York is the most diverse city in the world. Think of all the ethnic groups Ozzie could offend. It will be great.”

Cashman: “All right. I’ll do it. Draw up the paperwork and you’ve got a deal.”

Hill: “I’ll have it to you in 15 minutes. And tell A-Rod we’ve got a lot of beautiful female fans here in Miami.”

Cashman: “I will as soon as he gets back. He’s still out in Detroit on some dates.”