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Friday, October 19, 2012
With NBA pregame rituals gone, now what?

By Steve Etheridge

LeBron James throwing chalk during his pregame ritual
LeBron James has only 90 seconds -- 90 seconds! -- to get from locker room to court for tipoff.

The NBA, jealous of the NHL’s showy contempt for its players, has decided to take away all the beloved pregame rituals that make us happy and help us cope with these terrible, terrible times.

Once player introductions are finished, 90 seconds will be put on the game clock. In that time, players must remove their walk-from-the-locker-room clothes and hustle a zillion feet over to center court for tipoff.

If the players are late, they’ll be issued a delay-of-game warning. If the team’s mascot is still hamming it up on the court, he will either be dragged out of sight and neutered or euthanized on the spot.

Pregame rituals have been a cherished part of the game since the '60s, when Wilt Chamberlain would randomly select 13 concubines from the crowd and hypnotize them with his musk, the fans all the while going berserk for his lustful antics.

Nowadays, nearly every player in the league has some sort of ceremonial routine he goes through to help him get hyped for the game. What will the players do now in lieu of their customary pregame hullabaloo? Well, we can certainly speculate.

What else to expect? Let us know in the comments. The most ridiculous suggestion wins a complimentary pushup lesson from Kevin Love.