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Thursday, October 25, 2012
Why Eva Longoria dumped Mark Sanchez

By DJ Gallo

The Longchise is no more. Yes, Mark Sanchez and Eva Longoria are reportedly over. According to TMZ, the pair split because the Jets stink and Sanchez was in a bad mood all of the time.

Forty-seven percent of all Sanchez passes fall incomplete. The American divorce rate is close to that rate, too. Coincidence? Definitely. But it’s fun to misuse stats.

Here is the breakup letter Longoria (possibly) left Sanchez:

Dear Mark --

We are over. I’m sorry. It’s not you, it’s the Jets. The team is so bad that not only have they lost football games, they’ve lost a romance, too.

The Jets are losers. I would never tell you who to be friends with or who to hang around with, but the Jets are not a good influence on anyone. They talk a big game, but what have they ever accomplished? Nothing. No one respects them. No one believes in them. They ruin everything they touch.

I don’t like who you are when you are with the Jets. You are moody and angry and upset. Most of all, you are very inconsistent. One week you seem like you’re making progress, and the next I wonder what anyone ever saw in you. I believe in surrounding myself with positive influences. There is nothing positive about the Jets.

I hoped you would accept that fact, realize the Jets will forever be screwups and failures, and instead focus your attention on our relationship. So many times I have longed to be in your arms, but you had to be off with your buddies on the Jets, practicing or watching film. For what? To almost beat the Patriots? You could have lost just the same by spending the week with me.

This has been building for weeks. I watch you with them and I feel us grow apart. Are you really a long-term solution? Will you just drop me like a fumbled football? Can I trust you to be honest with me, or are your words as inaccurate as your passes? It’s gotten so bad that I’ve been wondering if I’d be better off with Tim Tebow. That’s when I knew for sure that you weren’t the one for me.

I hope we can still be friends. And maybe one day when you’re no longer with the Jets and are a backup on a winner, we can give this another shot.

Best of luck to you. You’ll need it. We’ll always have the memories of Week 1 against the Bills.