Monday, January 28, 2013
How the Super Bowl could make you rich
By DJ Gallo
Super Bowl week is upon us. Although the Ravens and 49ers are looking to secure football immortality, the rest of us can use Super Bowl XLVII to secure financial security by betting on things like women’s clothing, coin flips and length of punts. It's all part of a balanced financial plan!
Sports book Bovada has its Super Bowl lines ready for the smart investor/gambler. Here are the ones you’ll want to consider.
What predominant color will Beyonce's top be at the beginning of the Super Bowl halftime show?
Gold (Yellow): 11/4
Silver (Grey): 7/2
What are the odds Beyonce will be joined by her hip-hop hubby at the Super Bowl?
At the beginning? Hmm … does Bovada know something? Will Beyonce not be wearing a top at the end of the performance? This could blow Janet Jackson’s “wardrobe malfunction” out of the water. You may want to make sure you have a good seat on the couch for the halftime show.
Will Beyonce be joined by Jay-Z on stage during the Super Bowl halftime show?
It’s not likely to happen, but it would be pretty cool if it did. I’ve never seen anyone rap lip sync before -- outside of some of my high school friends in the car, of course.
Will Beyonce's hair be curly/crimped or straight at the beginning of the Super Bowl halftime show?
History says the best bet here is straight. If you look at some of the recent Super Bowl halftime performers -- The Who, Bruce Springsteen, The Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney -- none of them had their hair curly or crimped.
How long will it take Alicia Keys to sing the U.S. National Anthem?
Over/Under: 2 minutes, 15 seconds
Over seems like a good bet here. I have heard renditions of “Empire State of Mind” in which in takes Keys longer than 2 minutes and 15 seconds to just sing the words “New York.”
Will Alicia Keys be booed during or after her rendition of the U.S. National Anthem?
Wait … what? There are 5:1 odds that a perfectly talented national anthem singer will get BOOED? Wow. I suppose you could bet Yes and then if it happens, use your winnings to cover the costs for your move to a more civilized country.
Will Alicia Keys forget or omit at least one word of the official U.S. National Anthem?
Yes. If people are booing you for no good reason while singing the national anthem of the home country, you’re probably going to be so shocked that you forget a word or two.
Will Alicia Keys add at least one word to the official U.S. National Anthem?
Yes. The lyrics: “Why? Why are you booing me? What is wrong with this country? [weeping]” have a good chance of making it into the song.
How many times will Jack Harbaugh be shown on TV during the game?
Jack Harbaugh never made the kind of money in coaching that his son’s do. His only head coaching jobs were at Western Michigan and Western Kentucky. This is his chance to cash in. He should drain his life’s savings, bet the over and then paint his face, take off his shirt and act like a drunken buffoon for the cameras. Three hours of national humiliation is worth it for a big cash payout. Reality show contestants do it all the time.
How many times will the game be referred to as the Harbaugh Bowl or Har Bowl or Super Baugh during the game?
Over. Just random echoes throughout the Superdome from people calling it those terms for the past two weeks that are then picked up on the broadcasters’ mikes will easily beat 2½.
Who will be shown first during the game?
Jim Harbaugh: 1/1
John Harbaugh: 1/1
Split screen shot of both: 4/1
A split screen shot is most likely. But what will Bovada do if CBS tries to show a split screen of both Harbaughs, but Ray Lewis spots the camera and jumps in front of the shot? You might just want to avoid this one.
How long will the postgame handshake/hug last between Jim and John Harbaugh?
Over/Under: 7.5 seconds
Under. Definitely go under. Because the official definition of handshake/hug reads: “If a handshake/hug goes longer than 7.5 seconds, it no longer is considered a handshake/hug; instead it is reclassified as a ‘weird/uncomfortable.’”
If Ray Lewis is interviewed on TV after the game on the field or in the locker room how many times will he mention "god/lord"?
I want to thank God for this. The Lord is good to provide us with such easy money. Thank you, God. Lord knows the smart bet here is over. Praise God for his many blessings.
How many average viewers will the game have?
Over/Under: 111 million viewers
Ha! Of course, the bet here is Over. Everyone knows that 1 billion people watch the Super Bowl! Yep, 300 million Americans and 700 million more people around the world.
What? Seriously? The one billion thing is completely made up? SOCCER is the world’s most popular sport? When did this happen? WE HAVE BEEN LIED TO!
Will the team that wins the coin toss win the game?
You might want to avoid this one. As always, betting on which team will win a coin flip, a completely random act, triggers a mandatory gambling intervention. Or at least it should.