“A man can look you up and down and figure some things out. Before you say a word, he makes you. From your suitcase, from your watch, from your posture. A man infers. A man owns up. That’s why Mark McGwire is not a man,” wrote the 2008 MTV Movie Awards Best Kiss winner.
Out of context, this obviously doesn’t make much sense, although knowing the back story doesn’t exactly clarify things, either. But the gist of it is that, until Tuesday, LaBeouf was in a play with Baldwin, then he wasn't. So he wrote some mopey emails to people, including the one to Baldwin quoted above.
A little perplexing, I know, but as his wisdom didn’t betray us in "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle," "Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd" or "Holes," I trust that we can take him at his word here.
Unfortunately, we still don’t know what, exactly, McGwire is.
The goatee should ostensibly disqualify him as a woman, but I wouldn’t rule it out for sure. Maybe a bald giant panda? Or some sort of really next-level coral?
Only LaBeouf knows the truth. And only LaBeouf, whose name is partially responsible for depleting the world’s vowel supply, can shine a light on all the other great mysteries of the sporting world.
Why there’s no football team in Los Angeles, how Ray Lewis’ triceps managed to un-tear themselves in like seven minutes, why Jeremy Roenick was so much ridiculously better than everyone else in "NHL ’94" -- if only LaBeouf were fired from more plays, we might know the answers to these questions.
Shia LaBeouf is a very important celebrity. Recognize.