Monday, April 15, 2013
Stevie Johnson talks MTV movie awards
By D'Arcy Maine
What did the Bills' Stevie Johnson think of Rebel Wilson and her attire?
MTV aired its annual Movie Awards on Sunday night. We here at Playbook decided to live-blog the event hosted by the weekend’s second-most talked-about Australian, Rebel Wilson (sorry, Jason Day).
Along with Bills WR and Twitter extraordinaire Stevie Johnson, we documented the night’s festivities.
Here is how it unfolded in real time:
8:40 p.m.: D’Arcy Maine -- Watching the preshow. I don’t recognize any of the red-carpet reporters (calling them VJs just doesn’t seem appropriate anymore). This makes me feel old. WHERE IS KURT LODER?
9:00 p.m.: DM -- James Franco helps open the show in a pre-filmed clip with host Rebel Wilson. If this is any indication of how the show will be … um, it’s going to be filled with a lot of fat jokes at Rebel’s expense and references to her being single and alone. If I wanted to feel depressed, I would be watching Lifetime or Angel Cabrera’s press conference right now.
9:01 p.m.: Stevie Johnson -- Movie Awards lineup looking like it’s going to be nothing less than a wild night, especially with this year’s host.
9:04 p.m.: DM -- Rebel opens the show donning a pink koala bear sweatsuit and singing a Miley Cyrus song. I’m ashamed that I know whose song it is. Uncertain if this is supposed to be a joke or she just felt like expressing her emotions through song.
9:07 p.m.: DM -- It’s apparently part of a larger sing-along with other people. And it seems like it’s not supposed to be intentionally funny. Or is it?
9:08 p.m.: SJ -- Funny. I have that same pink koala bear jumpsuit, but MTV didn’t ask me to host this year’s Movie Awards. I woulda rocked the opening skit.
9:10 p.m.: DM -- It takes a whole 10 minutes for a North Korea reference. Somewhere out there, and I’m afraid to guess specifically where, Dennis Rodman is angry he didn’t get included in the mention.
9:11 p.m.: SJ -- Bet she doesn’t get the same flak I did for North Korea jokes.
9:14 p.m.: DM -- Bradley Cooper wins the first award of the night. You know what they say: If you can’t win an Oscar or a Golden Globe, a golden popcorn statue is the next best thing! OK, no one says that. But it has to be a relief for Cooper that Daniel Day-Lewis doesn’t make films that appeal to the MTV audience.
9:21 p.m.: DM -- There’s an actual award for Best WTF Moment. Rebel’s joke about the award (that I would most likely get fired for repeating) will probably be nominated in this category next year.
9:23 p.m.: DM -- Jamie Foxx and Samuel L. Jackson win for their WTF Moment. I still have no idea what that means. From the looks of it, they don’t, either.
9:32 p.m.: DM -- A six-against-one brawl wins for best fight (from “The Avengers”). That really doesn’t sound like a fair fight to me.
9:33 p.m.: SJ -- The fight scene from “The Avengers” reminds me of the battles between the AFC East teams. We letting our Hulk out this year!
9:34 p.m.: DM -- I’ll now spend the next commercial break trying to figure out who makes the Dolphins.
9:35 p.m.: DM -- Is Emma Watson really winning a lifetime achievement award? She’s 22. Take the next few moments to feel bad about yourself. This might be the real WTF Moment of the evening.
9:50 p.m.: DM -- Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper win for best kiss. Everyone’s imaginary BFF, J-Law, doesn’t bother showing up. Just when I thought I couldn’t respect her any more than I already do.
9:53 p.m.: DM -- Snoop and Ke$ha look to be smoking something that’s not legal. Fairly certain that wouldn’t happen at the ESPYS.
9:54 p.m.: SJ -- Snoop and Ke$ha blowing on stage! Wow.
9:54 p.m.: SJ -- They’re introducing one of the hottest acts out there right now: Macklemore. FIRE.
9:55 p.m.: DM -- Macklemore, Ryan Lewis and the dude that sings the part of the song we all actually know perform. Singing the dude doesn’t get introduced. And Ryan Lewis, the guy who does, um, something (?) on stage I think, gets named.
10:02 p.m.: DM -- Rebel tells a joke involving 9-year-old Quvenzhane Wallis and booze in her adorable puppy purse. Quvenzhane's mother does not look amused.
10:06 p.m.: DM -- Will Ferrell presented the Comedic Genius award wearing a suit plastered in dollar bills, y’all. The suit proved his comedic genius. But his gazillion-minute speech (complete with a fake Asian family) did not. Maybe he was hoping if he stayed up there long enough he would automatically win the 2014 edition, as well?
10:09 p.m.: DM -- Aubrey Plaza from “Parks and Recreation” channels her inner Kanye West and jumps on the stage and tries to take Ferrell’s trophy. As she walks back to her seat in shame and trophy-less, she knocks over a cup of something and a “#To do list” is seen written on her chest in marker. It’s awkward. And the whole thing is apparently not staged as she gets kicked out immediately afterward. What would Leslie Knope say about this?
10:12 p.m.: SJ -- Money Suit!!! Need that in my wardrobe ASAP. Shout-out to Will Ferrell, though. He’s a comedic genius but has major swag as well. He doesn’t care what people think or say. He’s living life in the moment and enjoying every second of it. Salute!
10:19 p.m.: DM -- The cast of all 3,000 of the “Fast and the Furious” movies announces yet another film. Three people applaud. Vin Diesel’s agent is assuredly one of them.
10:23 p.m.: DM -- Rebel Wilson wins an award. Thank goodness. She really hadn’t gotten enough screen time tonight.
10:25 p.m.: DM -- Hey, ladies! Time for the Best Shirtless Performance (in a comedy or drama) award. Sorry, musical fans.
10:26 p.m.: DM -- Seth Rogen and Kenny Powers do something that Grantland is probably allowed to explain. Quvenzhane Wallis’ mother looks as if she can’t believe she listened to whomever told her it was a good idea to bring her daughter to this.
10:30 p.m.: DM -- Winner Taylor Lautner calls the award “the Oscar for shirtless actors.” This might be the realest thing said all night.
10:37 p.m.: DM -- Award for best villain. Couldn’t tell you who won, but I do know that Leonardo DiCaprio couldn’t even win an MTV Award, and the guy who did win mentioned Fred Astaire. Oh.
10:38 p.m.: SJ -- Best NFL villain, you ask? Some may claim it’s me, but there’s a team in Foxboro that’s filled with them. That means you, too, Donald Jones.
10:39 p.m.: DM -- Would this be a bad time to mention I’m a Patriots fan?
10:42 p.m.: DM -- Let’s just say Selena Gomez, um, performed. Singing and moving at the same time is apparently very difficult. There are some times when lip-syncing might actually be the right call.
10:47 p.m.: SJ -- Other than the comedy, skits and performances, the best part of the awards is seeing previews of upcoming movies.
10:48 p.m.: DM -- Thankfully there are SO many commercial breaks, I feel like we’ve gotten to see a trailer for every movie coming out in the next six months.
10:49 p.m.: DM -- What sounds like a serious topic for about a half-second turns into Rebel revealing something as her dress falls down. It’s not real. And that’s all I can really say here.
10:54 p.m.: DM -- Jamie Foxx accepting the Generation Award. He just thanked his 19-year-old daughter and then announced to all that she was single. She looked mortified. I felt a little creeped out for her. She’s about to get some weird Facebook messages.
10:58 p.m.: SJ -- Foxx had some great advice to live by: If someone tells you that you can’t do something, do it and keep pushing yourself to be better and do more. Real.
11:06 p.m.: DM -- I’m sure master thespian Anne Hathaway’s dream that came true did not include being nominated alongside the cast of “Magic Mike” for best musical moment. I can only imagine her reaction to losing this award.
11:13 p.m.: DM -- Brad Pitt announces “The Avengers” as film of the year. Seriously. The director, whose name I’m too lazy to look up, is surprisingly entertaining and somehow manages to crack a Justin Bieber joke to the MTV audience and live to talk about it. The Beliebers are losing their edge.
11:14 p.m.: SJ -- “Django Unchained” should have won best movie, but “Avengers” was tough.
11:16 p.m.: DM -- Rebel Wilson is in some sort of robot suit. And that apparently ends the show. That was anticlimactic.
11:17 p.m.: SJ -- Rebel Wilson was a dope host. She rocked the Tina Turner terror-dome outfit. And then the pink iron (wo)man. Classic! Still think I should be hosting an MTV Awards show sometime soon.
11:18 p.m.: DM -- I would support Stevie’s hosting campaign for next year’s award, provided, of course, he actually wears the pink koala jumpsuit.
11:21 p.m.: DM -- I have no idea how to sum up the last two-and-a-half hours. Where’s Kurt Loder when you need him to summarize?