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Thursday, April 25, 2013
Sliding in the NFL draft? Be prepared

By DJ Gallo


Hello, prospective NFL Draft pick. It's your big day! Your dream is about to come true!

In fact, you’re so confident of your draft status that you’re in New York and plan to attend the draft to be there when your name is called. According to your agent, you’re going to be one of the first few players drafted. Your wait in the green room will surely last no more than a few minutes.

Or you could be stuck there all night and get humiliated on national television. Tough to say.

In case the latter occurs, you must be prepared. Make sure you have these eight things to weather your embarrassing draft slide in style.

1. Cell phone

This is the most important. Your cell phone will give you something to look at as the minutes of waiting stretch into hours of waiting. You can pretend you are sending and receiving texts. You can play games. You can even read about all of the (many) players picked ahead of you. Just don’t use your phone to go on Twitter. Everyone will be making fun of you on there.

2. Cell phone charger

The first round of the draft is three-and-a-half hours long. Can your phone handle three-and-a-half hours of fake texting and Temple Run 2? Mine can’t. Also, make sure your green room table is close to an outlet. Your night has been humiliating enough already without having to change tables to recharge your cell phone that hasn’t rung with any calls from NFL teams.

3. Water

When not pretending to be engrossed by your cell phone, taking little sips from a water bottle helps pass the time. Be sure to have extra bottles of water at the ready for when you sip through your first one. And stick with water, even though you may be tempted to reach for a bottle of gin as the night progresses.

4. Girlfriend/fiancee

It’s nice to have one of these beside you so you have someone to talk to during the hours of your draft slide. Sell her on joining you by saying you’ll tweet out her Twitter name. If she is especially attractive, she’ll become famous and pick up tens of thousands of Twitter followers while your dream crumbles. She may even have a reality show lined up before your name is called. Hooray!

Also, seeing if her attitude toward you changes while you gradually lose millions of dollars will let you know if she loves you for you or for your money.

5. Agent

He’s great to have on hand so you can quietly mutter curse words to someone. “You told me I was going in the top 10 [expletive]. You’re [expletive] fired when this is over [expletive].”

6. Towel/napkin

Your nervous flop sweat is only going get heavier as the night goes on, especially in light of the gallons of water you’ve sipped. Wipe it off your forehead. (The towel also helps if you begin weeping.)

7. Nitrous oxide/pharmaceuticals

You’re going to need some laughing gas and antidepressants to keep smiling for the cameras. The best night of your life has become the worst night of your life. And now your agent is telling you that the Rams aren’t even interested in you at No. 22. The Rams! Take a whole handful.

8. Adult diaper

There’s no way you’ll put out enough sweat and tears to counteract the 19 bottles of water you’ll drink. Let former NFL defensive lineman Tony Siragusa help you on the diaper selection.