Monday, April 29, 2013
Six potential vocations for Tim Tebow
By DJ Gallo
If Tim Tebow’s NFL career is over, what’s next? Here are the six most likely landing spots.
Tim Tebow is an unconventional football player. The CFL is an unconventional football league. The field is wider, the goalposts are at the goal line, they have things called “rouges,” they spell “offense” as “offence.” Who cares about a weird throwing motion amongst all that insanity? Tebow would be the biggest name in the CFL since Raghib Ismail signed with the Toronto Argonauts in 1991. No doubt Tebow would also continue his charitable work in the foreign land of Canada and offer the same medical services he did in Indonesia. There’s no downside here.
Arena Football League
The AFL is already six weeks into its season, but it’s not too late for a team to sign Tebow. The only undefeated team remaining in the league is Tebow’s hometown Jacksonville Sharks. They are currently quarterbacked by Bernard Morris, the former Marshall quarterback. Did Morris ever win a Heisman or an NFL playoff game? I don’t recall that happening. If the Sharks want to guarantee a championship, they’ll sign Tebow today. He has some dome demons he likely wants to exorcise.
The best TV sports broadcasters have the gift of making the most boring game seem exciting. Tim Tebow has that gift. This is a man who sincerely seemed excited about playing for the Jets. The Jets! Forty-four times he said “excited.”
Any network would be excited to get him. Excited.
Former big-name football stars Jim Brown and Brian Bosworth became action stars when their playing days ended. Tebow has the name and the physique to follow in their footsteps.
He could be a new kind of action star. A clean-cut action star who doesn’t kill anyone or hurt anyone, never curses and never takes advantage of damsels in distress.
So many action movie classics could be brought back with Tebow in the lead role.
"True Lies 2: Lies Are A Sin"
"Escape from New York Jets"
"Lethal and Inaccurate Weapon"
And, of course, the "Raiders of the Lost Ark" sequel: "The Raiders Are My Last Chance."
Each of these would be a guaranteed blockbuster.
Reality TV Star
He’s already been on one unofficial reality TV show: the disastrous single season of New York Jets 2012. Why not give a real reality show a try?
He likes taking his shirt off, so "Splash" would be an option. "Dancing with the Stars" would definitely take him, although he’d probably struggle to win; dancing judges weigh proper form over intangibles every time. And then there’s "The Bachelor." Tebow would give the show its biggest ratings ever in a search for a woman who might treat him better than the Broncos and Jets did.
Tebow can run for Congress now. He’ll have reached the required age of 30 in time to run for governor of Florida in 2018. And then he’ll be ready for a presidential run -- and successful election, since all he does is win, remember -- in 2024. By that time, 12 more losing seasons into the future, and with Tebow as our 37-year-old president, the Jets might finally be ready to give him a fair shot. And then America will have its first-ever president/quarterback. America will have our first king. King Tebow. And he will be a kind and merciful and very excited king.