Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Can you handle the Armchair Decathlon?
By Playbook Fandom
Is Tim Duncan simply replenishing electrolytes? Or is he training for the 40-Ounce Sports Drink Dash?
[Editor's note: Four years ago, Page 2 celebrated the Beijing Olympics by delegating two of its staffers to compete in a punishing test of fanhood in the first (and sadly, last) Armchair Decathlon. Here's what transpired ...]
Two days. Ten events. No cigarette breaks. A one-man track n' field-oplooza, the Olympic decathlon has long bestowed the title of "world's greatest athlete" upon its winner.
But is really worth the trouble? Or even relevant to modern life?
Think about it: competitors are outdoors. They're standing up. They have to wear (and look good in) a tank top.
For that matter, consider some of the events. 100-meter dash? Too much chance of rupturing an Achilles. 400-meter dash? Odds are you'll be breathing heavily. Shot put? Isn't this why God gave us the T-shirt cannon?
Still, the notion of a multi-skill competition is appealing -- provided we leave the sweating to the professionals. Which is why Page 2 came up with a decathlon for the rest of us. A competition that not only measures some of contemporary society's most respected skills, but also allows participants to spent most of their time indoors and on their La-Z-Boys.
Welcome to the Armchair Decathlon.
Here are our events:
The Wonderlic Test
40-Ounce Sports Drink Dash
Sports Movie Marathon
"Guitar Hero: Aerosmith"
NFL Fantasy Stat Line Quiz
Name That Athlete
Nintendo "Wii Sports"
World Series of Pop Culture
Hot Dog Eating Race
"Madden NFL 09"
To illustrate, Page 2's Mike Philbrick and Patrick Hruby have completed this rigorous test and detail their exploits (and the rules) below. We encourage readers to follow suit, challenge friends and family, strive to embody the spirit of our pseudo-Olympic motto: Rested, Seated, Useless.