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Friday, August 17, 2012
More schools should adopt ugly uniforms

By DJ Gallo

Maryland
Maryland upped the ante in terrible uniform design last year, but Notre Dame is coming on strong.
Oregon started it. Then Maryland mounted a challenge. Now every college football team wants to look ridiculous.

A few weeks ago, Nebraska came out with a Noid-inspired uniform, then Virginia Tech announced turkey-feet helmets. On Thursday, Notre Dame topped them all with something so bad even Rudy wouldn’t invest in it.

It’s clear there’s an ugly arms race in college football. Each team is trying to look worse than the next. There is no end in sight.

Expect to see these uniforms on the field soon, and then on your local clearance racks.

Alabama: Head-to-toe compression houndstooth.

Arizona: Cactus sleeves.

Arkansas: Motorcycle helmets.

Auburn: Uniforms stitched with the hair removed from Gene Chizik’s sideburns.

Clemson: LCD screens embedded on each side of the helmets with this video on a constant loop.

Connecticut: All black everything in honor of Greenwich resident Jay-Z.

Duke: Modeled after the popular beach T-shirt that has a picture of a bikini or muscle man on it, football uniforms that have a picture of Duke basketball uniforms on them.

Florida: This, only with Will Muschamp’s eyes.

Florida State: Giving a nod to history with uniforms designed after something Deion Sanders would have worn in the late '80s.

Georgia State: Two new options: retro or modern.

Indiana: Two doormats made into a sandwich board.

Iowa: Pink uniforms to make opponents less aggressive.

Iowa State: 100 percent polyester uniforms in honor of multiple eight-win-season head coach Earle Bruce.

Kansas: Jerseys with cleat marks on the front of them. (The first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem.)

Kansas State: The EcoKat uniform.

LSU: Jerseys with game clocks dangling over them ala Flava Flav.

Maryland: Koopa Troopa shell helmets.

Miami (Fla.): Army fatigues as uniform pants.

Michigan: Michigan-shaped gloves.

Missouri: Uniforms made from stitched-together SEC logos.

NC State: Three Wolf T-shirt jerseys.

Nebraska: Inflatable uniforms.

Ohio State: Full nudity other than tattoos, but players earn buckeye body stickers throughout their careers.

Oklahoma: Jerseys with the Stoops family crest emblazoned on the front.

Oklahoma State: Uniforms made of cash donated by T. Boone Pickens.

Oregon: Nike swooshes with eye, arm and legholes cut out.

Pitt: Jerseys made from stitched-together press releases announcing new head coach hires.

Rutgers: Shirtless with blowout helmets.

South Florida: Brand-new LeBron jerseys.

Stanford: Coat and ties.

Tennessee: Matching pants and shirt picked out by Derek Dooley’s mom.

Texas: Helmets, jerseys, pants, gloves, socks, helmets –- everything, just bigger.

TCU: Ornately colored uniforms covered in slime and small horns.

Texas Tech: Cutting-edge uniform fabric made from nanofibers and cow dung.

USC: Leather gladiator skirts.

Virginia: A uniform that looks exactly like this, including a helmet of curly hair.

Virginia Tech: Complement the turkey-feet helmets by making their players wear turkey-leg booties on their hands and feet.

Wake Forest: In honor of having “Forest” in their name, Ghillie suits.

Washington State: Pirate-inspired puffy-shirt jerseys.

West Virginia: Uniforms made from old couch upholstery. Helmets with huge flames painted on them.