Remember that massive campaign to get Weird Al to perform in next year’s Super Bowl halftime show? Well it looks like he’s got some competition.
The walking hairspray cans of Van Halen have thrown their name into the hat, responding to “rampant” rumors that they’d already been chosen for the gig.
“That honor has not been bestowed upon us at this time though it is one we would accept in a NY minute,” said David Lee Roth, who once wrote a screenplay about evil scientists trying to steal his rhythm to sell it to white people.
I like Van Halen, don’t get me wrong -- they’re the first band I go to for pedagogical prurience -- but aren’t they a little less than reliable these days? Forgetting about the constant musical chairs between Diamond Dave and Hagar, didn’t they just cancel their tour because “they hate each other?”
We need someone for the Super Bowl who’s guaranteed to deliver, someone who’s not a risk of backing out five minutes before halftime. Because then what would you do? Point the camera at the E*TRADE baby for 20 minutes? (Shouldn’t he be like 13 now, by the way?) Maybe we should consider some other Vans who might be a little more dependable. Such as:
• Van Morrison, as we all know the Irish love their football
• The Van Gundy brothers could do a Vaudeville routine
• Vietnamese pop star Van Quang Long, who can be seen in this video kicking a Jeep
• Cuban legends Los Van Van
• Steve Van Zandt, along with the rest of his band, who absolutely killed it in 2009
• A 2012 Honda Odyssey, as those perform well in all environments thanks to a smooth six-speed transmission and electrically assisted power steering
Or maybe we should just stick with Weird Al. That guy’s a legend.