#cashtag: Sports would be better if

March, 16, 2012
3/16/12
10:49
AM PT
This week, for absolutely no reason, I'll be making small, sometimes snarky comments after some of this week's notable #Cashtag entries, which was #SportsWouldBeBetterIf.

These will be denoted with an asterisk.

But first, you need to know that #Cashtag will take this coming week off for National Farm Safety Week.

You people should be declared Commissioners of All Sports and then we'd finally get some things done. Many ideas were actually brilliant and useful. Those aren't the ones we picked, of course, but thank you.

And now, the winner of $7.93 (equivalent of a grilled cheese sandwich, fries and Coke at Denny's):

Steroid users' punishment was shots of estrogen.

Tyler Miller @tbidness27

*By now, Jose Canseco would be Gloria Estefan.

Send me your address, Tyler, and you'll get a check out of my personal account for $7.93. If you pay the Mitt Romney rate, you'll owe $1.11 in taxes on this income.

Very good tries and yet winners of $0 of my money

Instead of the long ball, chicks dug fat guys sitting around watching people hit the long ball.

Thomas Cochran @TFCochran

The bounties for each NFL player were listed on the Jumbotron.

Todd228 @Todd228

*This would be especially helpful to the targeted players.

Every time a soccer player dove you got to actually kick them where they claimed to be injured.

Ben Wakely @bwakes4

You could vote players off the court.

Andrew Doran @apdoran

Owners bare-knuckle boxed each other before every game.

Leland Mitchinson @lsmitch14

*I'd take Colts' owner Jim Irsay.

The only lockouts were on Charles Barkley's fridge.

Lucas Giampa @lucasgiampa

Rex Ryan had to lose one pound for every prediction gone wrong.

Adam E. @DrKnafa

*By now, he'd be Gloria Estefan.

I didn't grow up in Cleveland

Kyle Trent @kyle_trent

At every press conference, the player said, "Of course it was about the money."

Scott Warden @scott_warden

*I especially enjoyed Irsay saying, "This isn't about the money" at the Peyton Manning press conference, one day before he would've had to pay him $28 million.

The thunderstick and vuvuzela had never been invented.

mark steenback @steenback2

If a #16 seed upset a #1 seed, they had to switch schools the following year.

Ben Holling @BenHolling

*"I'll be attending Harvard-at-Chapel Hill this semester."

Still Pretty Gouda

Lucky seat of the game plays CF for Mets

Ed Ahearn @MolsonMailman

*Somebody saw this and tweeted, "No, that would make the Mets themselves better."

They yelled 'Get in the hole!' at every event other than golf.

LB @dr_mistermann

*Would work at hockey, billiards, basketball, but not funerals.

Being an owner was an elected position.

Rusty Nail @RustyNail215

The Cubs would have let the Billy Goat in.

Kevin Vedder @vedderkj

Football teams were allowed one invisible player

Nick Seiler @nick_seiler

*Except for the Redskins, who already have Rex Grossman.

I could get a cheese sandwich at the game for less than $7.94

Wade @footewade

The PGA outlawed white orthopedic golf shoes

Lucas Giampa @lucasgiampa

*Yes! Thank you!

There was a 4-point line in basketball.

Kyle Stroud @leviticus65

Losing teams faced Mayan penalties.

Reilly Capps @ReillyCapps

*One of the penalties was death to the loser. You think instead of booing, they hollered, "Get in the hole!"?

MLB allowed one player on steroids per team.

Adam Grmusa @Orange15

*As opposed to five?

The cheerleaders of each team in the tourney played dodge ball at halftime.

rick garland @rickgarland

Halfway through a race, NASCAR required everyone to do a u-turn

Justin Ebert @jebert19

NFL water boys were mic'd up.

Rob Kelly @Br0ccoliRob

*Also, they should hide a microphone under the pitching mound, in the goalie's mask and on every caddie.

Peyton was signed by Denver & Tebowed after his 1st TD pass there.

Scott Jones @jscottjones

All the figure skaters competed at the same time. Full contact triple axels!!

Josh @jwshack

*I'd take Jim Irsay.

Kobe trusted his teammates

AJ Riney @Mr_Riney

If the Refs, officials and umps had to answer questions from the media after every game

Todd Amerman @Paytodd1

*Would've come in especially handy after the Syracuse-UNC Asheville game.

NBA regular season games start in the fourth quarter...when players start trying.

Sean Gannon @SeanGannon2

The national anthem was easier to sing.

Michael Aumock @mjaumock

If athletes had to renegotiate contract after a bad year

Shawn Pinsent @spin033

NASCAR had demolition derby.

Brian Baughman @doublebizzle

*I'd take Danica Patrick.

Beer at the ballpark made you more polite.

Michael Aumock @mjaumock

*And went straight to your biceps.

NCAA football had playoffs

Curtis Hajec @CurtisHajec

*OK, now you're just getting ridiculous.

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