Incredibly Annoying Decisions

This was the week when common sense got locked in the linen closet and rules-for-the-sake-of-rules nimrods dominated.

Thus, we bring you three: Incredibly Annoying Decisions (IADs):

  1. In Boulder, Colo., at a rally for the Boulder High School football team as it got ready for its annual city rivalry game with crosstown Fairview, a booster group put up 150 balloons to build spirit.

  2. Enter morons.

    BHS principal Kevin Braney and athletic director Melissa Warfield showed up with frowns and made the moms pop all of the balloons, every single one, with pins.

    Why, you ask?

    "One of the kids has a latex allergy," the school told us.


    A latex allergy? Who's even heard of a latex allergy?

    So what, every time this kid goes to a car dealership, his mom has to pop all the balloons? What about a carnival? How did the kid ever survive birthday parties?

    Braney has a brain the size of a pin. If the kid has a latex allergy, make him go home. Even after the balloons pop, they're still latex. He's not in any less danger from the peril of balloons. Did he think they were going to attack?

    If the kid were allergic to wool, maybe Principal Braney would go around the school yanking off people's sweaters and burning them?

    If the kid is allergic to latex, tell him to stay away from the balloons! Or wear a SCUBA suit! Or live in a bubble!

    The PC police are alive and well at Boulder High School.

    And I can say that. I WENT there!

  3. In Seattle, high school referees thought they were doing a very small, very nice thing. They decided to blow pink whistles at the games they worked and donate their game checks to the breast cancer organization, Susan G. Koman for the Cure.

  4. Enter more morons.

    Washington Officials Association commissioner Todd Stordahl says the refs were out of line. He said they were out of uniform. He also says they should've asked permission to blow the pink whistles.

    However, Stordahl apparently previously refused three other groups of officials who actually did request permission to use pink whistles. So I guess asking permission isn't the real issue with him.

    Sets a bad example for the kids, Stordahl insisted.

    Stordahl said he may punish the refs with pink slips, banning them from working the coming two playoff games. That's two extra game checks the refs would be out, plus the voluntary one they already missed.

    Can the person nearest Mr. Stordahl right now walk over to him and bop him in the forehead please? Thanks.

    Never mind that not a soul was hurt by this. Nor did chaos ensue. Nor were the refs trying to do anything but honor their sisters and wives and mothers. This was a good deed Stordahl feels compelled to punish.

    Meanwhile, in the NFL last month, players wore pink shoes, pink towels, pink chin straps, everything but pink jocks to support breast cancer research.

    Amazingly, nobody got suspended or fired for it.

    Mr. Stordahl, for the rest of your days, may all your white shirts come back pink.

  5. In Central Massachusetts, Auburn High School golfer Matt Carville shot a 78 to help the Auburn Rockets notch a three-shot win over Groton-Dunstable and give Auburn a shot at the state title.

  6. Cue even more morons.

    Tournament officials DQ'd the senior because he was using an iPod on the last two holes.

    Was Carville getting golf tips on his iPod? No. Was he getting the latest weather info? No. Was he listening to blood-pressure relaxation hypnotherapy? No. He was listening to music.

    I know what you're thinking. Wait a minute! Listening to your iPod isn't illegal, according to the USGA, as long as you don't gain an advantage from it. Carville wasn't.

    But tournament director Ron Spakauskas insisted it was a special rule instituted for this tournament. "No electronic devices," he said.

    Of course, the rule was intended for SkyCaddies and yardage shooters, stuff like that. Not AC/DC albums.

    Didn't matter. Spakauskas threw Auburn out of the state tournament and gave the trophy to Groton-Dunstable.

    Spakauskas is right, it was a rule in a very tiny, minuscule, not visible to the human eye kind of way.

    Sort of like Spakauskas' heart.