He's the best quote in college football. And after 24 years at Montana Tech in Butte, Mont., Bob Green is out of a job.
He went 140-116-1 at Montana Tech and his team played for the national championship in 1996, but that's not why you hire him. You hire him because his media conferences are so funny you don't care when you lose. He's Bum Phillips reincarnated; Will Rogers with a whistle around his neck.
Just a few Greenisms from over the years:
"I'm a perfectionist. I expect Jennifer Lopez to know how to cook."
"I told [my defensive players] they've got to stick like a Toyota gas pedal."
"It was an outstanding scrimmage. There were plays on offense, there were plays on defense. It's kind of like going to the Golden Corral buffet. It's all good and there's a lot of it."
"We had an interception chance, and we caught the ball. An interception chance is like a date with the homecoming queen -- close the deal. Don't waste an opportunity."
After a big win: "I feel like I just had a Viagra cocktail with a Cialis chaser."
"They're gonna be very good. They're rougher than a pine cone toilet seat."
"The younger guys are a little bit lost. Kinda like chinese arithmetic."
"I really feel like our team is ready to go hit individuals from another institution of higher learning."
"It's like you're trying to sell bubble gum in a lockjaw ward. You just can't get much done."
"We gotta be like a homely girl on her honeymoon. Busy, busy, busy."
"I hate to sound like an old coach but I am an old coach. I was coaching when the Dead Sea was only sick."
"When I first started coaching, Christ was a kid."
"I'm not a big Yankee fan. It's kinda like living in ancient Rome and rootin' for the lions."
"We're like the kid that plays second french horn in the school band. We gotta play better."
After a close loss: "It's kinda like watching your mother-in-law go off a cliff in your brand new Cadillac. You got mixed feelings.”
"We're kinda like a woodpecker in a petrified forest. We just keep busy."
"I got a short memory, just like when I was in the third grade. Two of the best years of my life."
"I don't like bottled water. I like that Butte water. You can eat and drink at the same time."
"The game is going to come down to playing football. We've got to play football. We're not trying to split the atom."
"We want to play a full 60 minutes. One thing is for sure, the game will last at least 60 minutes."
"There were some long faces and there were some lower lips sticking out. But we did not call the undertaker and tell him to order a 50-gallon drum of embalming fluid."
"We played two games that were very winnable. Unfortunately, they were very losable."
After a tough loss: "I told them the sun was going to come up. My wife didn't file divorce papers. I didn't have a heart attack. My dog knew me when I came home."
"It's not being disappointed that counts, it's whether you stay disappointed."
"We were lower than a snake's vest button."
"The way I describe him is he looks like Jane but plays like Tarzan."
"The last two weeks we really dug ourselves a hole. That's not the ideal road map."
"It's been very tough on them. But the road to success passes through the town of Adversity. I hope we've got Adversity in the rearview mirror. I hope we're at the city limits."
After Alex Grevas caught a game-winning TD pass: "I'd like to thank Mr. and Mrs. Grevas for conceiving Alex."
"It was a team effort. Everybody contributed with poor play."
“What a difference a week makes. This week I feel like a football coach. Last week I felt like Britney Spears’ choreographer.”
“We’ve got to play like we’re on a hot stove. Your feet aren’t going to stay in one place very long.”
“If you ain’t burning up for this one, your wood’s wet."
"The season's a lot like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes."
On retiring: "You can be the guy who stayed at the party too long. I don't want to be that guy."
(With thanks to mtstandard.com)