Rick Reilly Go Fish: Yankees

After The Rapture

May, 20, 2011
The Rapture comes Saturday at 6 p.m. ET, according to Oakland preacher Harold Camping, who's guaranteeing it.

But what if you're scuba diving and when you surface, you're the only person left on earth?

Me? Here's what I'd do:

Play 36 at Augusta, naked.

Go through President Obama's desk, take all those cool jerseys he gets from teams, then shoot on his hoop.

Watch a movie on the huge screen at Cowboys Stadium.

See if that big canister in Scottsdale really does have Ted Williams' frozen head.

Read Derek Jeter's diary.

Go to Indianapolis Motor Speedway and take 50 laps.

Not cut the lawn.

Get a monster truck and crush every car at Target.

Ride Smarty Jones once around Churchill Downs.

Bust some glass at the Baseball Hall of Fame and try on some uniforms.

Take Tiger Woods' yacht for a little spin. Play his four-hole course. Check medicine cabinet.

Eat rocky road ice cream out of the Stanley Cup.

Swim in Michael Phelps' pool wearing all 14 gold medals at once. (Remove before drowning.)

Do the Lake Placid luge, backwards.

Watch old football games on Peyton Manning's couch.

Look in Kevin Durant's backpack.

Feed many, many pets.

Introduce myself at Wrigley Field, set up a pitching machine and try to hit one out. Sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" on loudspeaker. Weep at the "take me out with the crowd" part.
Some people collect spoons. Some collect potato chips. Mike Ilitch collects sports teams.

Ilitch, who owns Little Caesar's Pizza, is set to buy the Detroit Pistons, which would make him the only man in America to own three professional sports franchises in one city. He also has the keys to the Red Wings and the Tigers. Anybody who can make enough money to buy three teams by selling two pizzas for the price of one is obviously good with his money.

There are only 12 cities in this country where Ilitch could've done this, since the NFL bans its owners from buying any other team. Did Ilitch pick the right one? Taking into account fans, facilities, history, performance, prospects and, of course, Khloe Kardashian, here's how they rank:
    Celtics, Red Sox, Bruins
    Pro: Boston fans are arguably the most loyal in all of sports.
    Con: Boston fans invented the one-game losing streak.
    Flyers, Phillies, 76ers
    Pro: Philly fans are arguably the most knowledgeable in sports.
    Con: Philly fans are arguably the most arguable in sports.
    Blackhawks, Bulls, Cubs
    Pro: The Cubs never win, but there seems to be a bottomless hunger for their fans to watch them do it.
    Con: The guy who owned the Bulls before you seems to have turned down Joakim Noah for Carmelo Anthony.
    Dodgers, Kings, Lakers
    Pro: Lakers are one of the most glamorous franchises in the world.
    Con: Vin Scully will retire someday.
    Avalanche, Nuggets, Rockies
    Pro: Get a place in LoDo and you can walk to every game.
    Con: In snow. In May.
    Capitals, Nationals, Wizards
    Pro: You'd own three of the most exciting players in all of sports -- Alex Ovechkin, John Wall and Stephen Strasburg.
    Con: Ovechkin seems unlucky. Strasburg may never be healthy. And Wall just picked Gilbert Arenas as his mentor.
    Mavericks, Rangers, Stars
    Pro: All three teams seem well-positioned for future success.
    Con: You don't own the Cowboys. Nobody cares.
    Knicks, Rangers, Yankees
    Pro: Yankees are the single-most storied, iconic and valuable franchise in American sports.
    Con: Midnight texts from Isiah Thomas.
    Pistons, Red Wings, Tigers
    Pro: Ilitch plans on building a downtown arena for them so all three teams will actually play in Detroit.
    Con: City may fold before teams.
    Coyotes, Diamondbacks, Suns
    Pro: Suns are always entertaining.
    Con: Diamondbacks and Coyotes get beat more than Persian rugs.
    Braves, Hawks, Thrashers
    Pro: Braves are always good.
    Con: The city hates pro sports.
    Timberwolves, Twins, Wild
    Pro: Joe Mauer is cool.
    Con: He refuses to learn hockey.