Bats Are Going to Keep Interrupting Sporting Events Until We Get The Message

Manu Ginobili

AP Photo/Eric Gay

Spurs coach Gregg Popovich assures Manu that his roster spot is not in danger, but he should probably get a rabies shot.

Another month, another bat swooping in on a sporting event and disrupting play. This time, one unlucky bugger flew into the middle of a United States Hockey League game between Green Bay and Grand Rapids. And of course, we all remember the sorry fellow that flapped into Manu Ginobili’s firm grasp in November.

It’s quite clear what’s going on here. Bats just want to play organized sports! If this bear can play hockey, surely we can find a spot on a roster for some bats. And surely their bevy of specialized features would make bats ideal candidates for several positions in the world of sports.

Major League Pitcher: Even Pedro Martinez and his extra long fingers have nothing on bats. Bats have crazy long, flexible finger bones – in fact, bat’s wings aren’t actual wings like birds, they're just a bat’s fingers spread out with a thin membrane in between (ew). So a four-seamer, a split finger, even a gyro ball, please. A bat could throw all those at once.

World Class Sprinter: Bats are pretty fast, but that’s not why they’d be sprinters worthy of challenging Usain Bolt. It’s because a bat has the longest tongue of any mammal relative to its size. A bat would just have to approach the finish line, stick its tongue out, and then thwack! Race won. Gold medal. Dunzo.

Olympic Gymnast: Bats spend a good chuck of their day hanging upside down under tree branches and the like, so a set of still rings would be no big thing. And tell me the bat wouldn’t stick that landing every time. They can flutter, for crying out loud. Shawn Johnson can only dream about that.

NBA Slam Dunk Contest Entrant: Bats are extremely dexterous and can actually drink in mid air. How great of a dunk would that be? Sign these winged mammals up for 2010 in Dallas and tell LeBron not only should he enter the slam dunk contest, he should bring it. Also, we bet Shane Battier likes bats.