When the finals come, Apolo's going to have to stop holding onto the wall.
With two weeks of coverage, hundreds of contests and lots of Ralph Lauren warm-up suits being worn, it's easy to miss something during the Olympic Games. Luckily, we're here to let you know what to focus on while you're online shopping for your authentic Vancouver 2010 Olympic Games Shawl Cardigan (you too can dress like an Olympian for the minuscule price of $385.00!).
Here's what to watch for in week one of the Games (see the full schedule here).
Also: Medals awarded in ski jumping, women’s biathlon, women’s moguls, men’s 1,500-meter and 5,000-meter speedskating.
One request, NBC. As you begin your speed skating coverage, please no more shots of Stephen Colbert in spandex. We’ve seen enough to last us a lifetime.
Also: Women’s ice hockey plays China in prelims. Pairs skaters short program it up. Medals are awarded in men’s biathlon, women’s 3,000-meter speedskating, men’s moguls, men’s nordic combined and men’s single luge.
The Women's ice hockey team has had a long-standing rivalry with Canada and both teams feel like this Olympics is "gold or bust". As for men's luge, we extend our deepest sympathies to the family of Nodar Kumaritashvili.
Don’t Miss: Apolo Ohno could tie Bonnie Blair as the most decorated U.S. Winter Olympian if he medals in the 500-meter speedskating finals tonight.
But could Bonnie best Apolo's "Dancing With The Stars" feats? We seriously doubt it. And so does Emmit Smith.
Also: Medals in men's and women’s cross country skiing, men’s snowcross and pairs figure skating.
Just in time for the pairs figure skating finals, the Snuggie for Two!
Don’t Miss: Team USA men's ice hockey kicks off with a prelim game against Switzerland. Team Canada plays Norway.
Who else is warming up for this by watching "Miracle" back to back to back? In a related question, does anyone else picture every player on a Nordic hockey team looking like the Iceland coach in "Mighty Ducks 2"?
Also: Figure skaters Johnny Wier, Evan Lysacek and Jeremy Abbott skate for the U.S. in the men's short program. The U.S. curling teams kick off its Olympics.
The most underrated part of curling? The yells. See Olympian John Shuster trying to explain it to Jay Leno.
Don’t Miss: Shaun White in the men’s halfpipe finals and Shani Davis in men’s 1,000-meter speedskating finals.
OK, if Flying Tomato (sorry, "Animal") and Shani Davis had to switch places, who would fare better? Shani on a snowboard or Animal on crazy skates? There needs to be a reality show of some sort to answer this question.
Also: Medals are awarded in women’s downhill, men's and women’s cross country skiing, women’s 500- and 1,000-meter speed skating and doubles luge.
Trivia Question: Who’s faster, a speedskater or a cheetah? OK it’s a cheetah (75 mph), but skaters reach speeds of more than 35 mph, making speedskating the fastest human-powered, non-mechanical aided sport in the world.
Don’t Miss: One of the Game’s most popular faces, Gretchen Bleiler, in the women’s halfpipe finals.
Seeing as how Bleiler’s already an Olympic silver medalist (Turino) and a four-time X Games champ, maybe she needs a bit more of a challenge. Snowboard basketball, perhaps?
Also: Medals are awarded in men’s and women’s biathlon, women’s 1,000-meter speed skating and men’s figure skating.
Will any of the competitors in the men’s figure skating finals be former hockey players like Doug Dorsey? We can only hope.