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For Brook Lopez and his teammates, every game must feel like the worst deep-tissue massage.

The Empire State of Pro Hoops (we’re claiming Brooklyn’s franchise ahead of schedule) is looking less like Jay-Z and more like Vanilla Ice during his Ninja Rap era. At 0-12 the Nets are conjuring the specters of the ’88-’89 Heat and ’98-’99 Clippers. "I don't even focus on 0-17," says Coach Frank, and quite frankly (zing) we’re right there with him.

So instead of focusing on the worst teams of all time, let’s make a reference to the best. By our math, the Nets are standing at –(12-0), which makes them negative twelve-plus-zero. Right now they're Anti-1982’-‘3 Seattle Supersonics.

The Knicks set their own worst-start record at 1-9 before beating Indiana on Wednesday. However, the Nets have stolen their thunder. It's the basketball equivalent of celebrity deaths erasing political scandals from the public consciousness. Do people remember Mark Sanford as the talk of the summer? Exactly.

New York fans, this shiatsu starts today at 1 pm.